Sunday, October 30, 2005

What's a Modern Girl To Do?

Maureen Dowd has an interesting article in the Times magazine today, about the roll of modern women and how we're regressing from the feminist movement. Nothing new, but an interesting read, nonetheless.

It's interesting, because I'm reading this on the heels of last night's date with Karaoke Boy--one that went entirely dutch. In all the dates I've had (before I was in a relationship with the guy), I can recall none that were split down the middle. I offer, of course, but he never takes me up on it. Or, as Dowd writes:

But it doesn't matter if the woman is making as much money as the man, or more, she expects him to pay, both to prove her desirability and as a way of signaling romance - something that's more confusing in a dating culture rife with casual hookups and group activities. (Once beyond the initial testing phase and settled in a relationship, of course, she can pony up more.)

It's true, though. I do expect the boy to pay. And faced with last night, when I wasn't offered even a single drink, it was frustrating. Especially since there were tons of boys around that would be more than willing to buy me drinks, but of course, I can't flirt with any of them, I'm on a date!

I know I shouldn't complain. He did pay for our first date ($140 worth of drinks & food) and paid for all our drinks on our Karaoke date (I paid for our burgers afterwards, but that was like $25). The thing is, though, I'm not sure I would have wanted to go to such a pricey bar if I had known I'd be paying so much--I'm unemployed right now, completely broke, and missed my friend's party (free booze, what?) to be with this guy. Grrrr.

He was totally giving me mixed signals. Sunday night he called, we agree we're going to go to DINNER. Then he calls Thursday to clarify plans (we hadn't said where we were meeting), leaves a message. I call him back, leave a message. Then I don't hear from him AT ALL. It's Saturday, 4pm, and we're supposed to meet up at 7:30. I haven't heard a word from him. So I send him a text message: "What's up for tonight?" He calls right away, is like "Oh, we were just trying to figure out where we're going, let's meet at 10pm at such-and-such bar." I'm like.... uh.... okay (don't know what happened to dinner, but I don't want to be a bitch, so...). We meet up at the bar, and he's very attentive. But, no joke, doesn't even try to buy me a drink all night. Cynthia & Princeton Lawyer say that it just sounds like he's broke. Other than the $$ thing (and the not calling thing) it was a totally awesome date--he was all over me, making plans to hang out again, very attentive, nice. We made out a lot. It was fun. But that nagging feeling just stayed with me all night. Good sign, though, I met his friends and they knew things about me "You're from California, right? You're an actress, right?" so he'd obviously told them something...

I dunno. I'm totally confused. What else is new?

8 Comments:

At 10/31/2005 12:02 AM, Blogger the deal said...

Kristin-
This is interesting. As you may recall from a couple of posts back, I mentioned being a little frustrated with a woman in my life...well, our first date was more like an "outing" that she invited me to (a college football game she was already planning to attend, and she got her friend who works at the school to get a very inexpensive, maybe even free, ticket for me, but I drove 70 miles each way.) Result - nice "first" kiss.

The second was going to a bar to watch the last Yankees game of the year (when they lost to the Angels a couple of weeks ago) and we basically alternated buying each other drinks during the game. Result - hand holding, more kissing, not quite making out.

The third time we went out, I tried to take the reigns and plan the night - coffee, dessert and a later (10:30) movie. I paid for everything (not super expensive, but you know, I wanted to show her something.) Result - "thanks" and a quick exit from my car in her driveway.

So, ever since that night, the sizzle has been completely gone from our relationship. I have no idea where we stand...if I had to do it again, I would have let her pay for the movie tickets or something...I don't know...ugh!

 
At 10/31/2005 1:02 AM, Blogger -- said...

Hi deal,

Yes, I remember. I bet, though, that her interest (or lack thereof) has nothing to do with who paid for what, based on what you're saying here. (I don't know any girl who will reject a man FOR paying, but plenty who will reject a man that doesn't pay.) Is she looking for a long-term thing? If so, perhaps you are not exactly what she's looking for, but it took her 3 dates to figure it out. Are you still seeing her?

 
At 10/31/2005 4:41 AM, Blogger ThreeCharlie said...

Usually when I'm broke and want to go out with a girl my cheap creative side really comes into play. Those actually end up being my more entertaining dates. Maybe the next time you two decide to meet explain to him that you've been recently visited by the broke fairy and you need your next outing to be a little more frugal. Maybe he's in the same situation and you two can laugh about it as you come up with a creative cheap night out.

 
At 10/31/2005 10:24 AM, Blogger Jamy said...

This is a little harsh--but if your offer to pay is serious then you won't agree to go to places that you find too expensive. You expected him to pay and were disappointed that he didn't. Good for you for separating this issue from whether or not you like him.

Backing out of dinner is more worrisome to me than not paying. I'd proceed with caution.

 
At 10/31/2005 3:25 PM, Blogger sethro said...

Agree with Jamy here. Backing out on dinner (or forgetting?)...well, that's bad. And not paying for your drinks? Well, it does reek of Karaoke Boy being low on the cashish. That said, if cash flow is impacted, do NOT go someplace that will make it obvious. Shit, there are hundreds of fun things to do w/o tipping one's hand that he or she might be sans money.

 
At 11/01/2005 11:18 AM, Blogger Betty on the Beach said...

I have to agree...Karaoke Boy seems a little broke right now. However, I do agree with the others about his "forgetting" dinner. If he is in fact low on cash, he's probably too proud to actually come right out and say that, but that doesn't excuse poor manners. There's tons on things to do in the city that are free. Maybe suggest your next date for a walk in Central Park or something.

 
At 11/02/2005 3:03 AM, Blogger -- said...

Jamy,

Doesn't sound harsh at all -- you're right. Maybe if we go out again and a pricey place is mentioned, I'll suggest something less expensive...

 
At 11/03/2005 5:38 AM, Blogger -- said...

Okay, just rethinking this (I know, I know, I think too much) and I've recalled some horror stories Karaoke Boy told me in past about girls who've not really been interested but gone out with him anyway. Perhaps this was a test of some sort--to see if I really like him, or just like the free drinks? I wonder.

 

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