Thursday, November 03, 2005

Single and Suffering...

You can’t be single for a while without hitting the occasional patch of depression. Too many disappointments pile up, too many nights alone or with the wrong person, too little of the right kind of attention. It’s inevitable, of course, but when it hits, it hits hard.

I’m having one of those days. All my pals are going out Friday night, but I can’t make it on time because of my show, and by the time I can get there, at 10:30, everyone will be going home. No one is free Saturday, when I’m free. Though I haven’t been seeing my girls as much, at least I usually have dates scheduled—but not this week. I have no one to hang out with this weekend.

The thought of this was so depressing to me this morning that I burst into tears. I was so bad I couldn’t even go to class, today—I couldn’t face showing up a tear-stained mess. So I did what any normal girl would do in this situation: I called my ex-boyfriend at work, sobbing hysterically.

He actually was very sympathetic, listened to my plight, apologized for breaking up with me. Of course the depression is not his fault, but it was nice to have a friendly ear, someone who knows what I’m going through (he doesn’t have any prospects, either, and he doesn’t have a lot of friends).

I remember being single at the young age of 22 with Kim. Though I had my occasional sad moments, we had a blast. We went out at least once a weekend, more often twice, and had an amazing time. Sometimes we met boys, sometimes we didn’t. But we always had lots of fun. Knowing that she was always there to hang out with was a great source of strength and support for me. Even if there were no boys to be had, I knew I could always hang out with her.

But times have changed. Then, Kim was working at a day job and was taking a few classes—but didn’t have the schedule she has now. So there was plenty of free time to party and hang out. Even if I was doing a show, we could still meet up at 11pm and have a whole night of fun ahead of us. Katie, the other girl we’d go out with, has moved to San Francisco, and isn’t around either. Now that I’m 26, going out with my girlfriends on a Friday or Saturday night is no longer an option.

It hasn’t really been that much of an issue, before. I’ve filled the last 3 months with a bevy of boys, and that first month I went out with Kim and Luis all the time. Dates with the Prospect, MacB, Footlong, British Scientist, have distracted me. The four of us girls used to have dinner parties every week. And before Sarah got back with the Manchild, I’d go out with her sometimes, too. But now I find I have no one to hang out with (unless I want to be the 3rd, or 5th, or 7th wheel—which, again, seems to highlight my state).

I’m sick of the thing, and prefer meeting people at parties or bars (I actually do okay at the bar thing, using a trick Kim and I developed with my digital camera). But to meet people, I need friends to go with. And none of my friends are able to attend.

Everyone says stay at home, watch a movie. But sitting at home, alone, only serves to depress me more. I’m certainly not going to meet anyone sitting at home alone, nor will I even have the possibility of a good time. Friday nights are okay, since I get home so late anyway (and I’ve had my fair share of those already) but the prospect of hanging out on Saturday from 7pm on, with no hope of having fun, is a dire one.

So what’s a girl to do? The ex says he’ll come over and we can have sex…

Maybe I should just get some Prozac.


At 11/03/2005 6:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How you spend your time is your most important choice in life. With friends, movies, food, work, sleeping, they're all choices. Sometimes they're not all available, like now. Don't fret. Do what you like. Go for a walk and enjoy the brisk fall we're about to have. Find some pizza, give a tourist directions, pet a dog while walking down the street.

Worrying about spending time by yourself (or as an 3,5,7th wheel) is the only thing that's proven not to help. So why bother.

Something that'll let you meet people might be good. package wrapper in a nice store for xmas? santa's little helper? be creative.. but don't sit home alone or drink yourself into a liquid or chemical stupor

At 11/03/2005 8:16 PM, Blogger FINY said...

Every girl who has ever been single SO knows what you're going through right now. I even have these moments and I'm technically dating someone!

Personally, whenever I get like this the first time I need to do is get the HELL out of the apartment. I usually just end up getting on the subway, picking a random stop to get off at, and wandering the city until I see a coffee shop that looks inviting, but a coffee and break out my book. Sounds lame, but seriously, I've had some of the most refreshing days that way.

Look at it this way, you've got NOTHING holding you back. You are literally the master of your time.

I know it's little consolation for being lonely, but sometimes, you just have to hold onto it.

At 11/03/2005 9:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Do some volunteer work!

At 11/03/2005 11:21 PM, Blogger Anonymous City Girl said...

Nothing to do Saturday night?
Shame you don't have tickets to see Kravitz... I hear he's awesome in concert.

At 11/04/2005 12:59 AM, Blogger -- said...

Yes, Anon City Girl, I'm thinking about checking the Kravitz concert out...

At 11/04/2005 6:52 AM, Blogger sethro said...

Kristin, for different reasons, I found myself in a similar situation with regard to friends. Believe me, I've been frustrated more than once because the close friends I have are either married and doing married-people things, or the two single friends I have already have plans. I've learned to take those times and make them mine. Do the things that I never make time for. Get a pizza the way I like it, grab some guy movies, dinner with family, catch up on sleep, masturbate, clean, go for a late night run, write a poem, read a book. Essentially, you're going to have to re-wire yourself to have fun by being alone, and finding things you like to do when alone. Before, I'd get depressed because I was alone, but now, I really cherish those times.

At 11/04/2005 7:10 AM, Blogger ThreeCharlie said...

You're not alone. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and called a friend back in the states and talked for an hour about turning 30 in a few months and not having a wife or any kids.
I've found that people can tell you this and that about how to fix yourself, but sometimes you just feel sad and there's nothing you can do to fix it except ride it out until it goes away. When I go through my funk I just remember that nothing lasts forever and that this to shall end.

At 11/04/2005 10:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Being in a "couple" isn't all that great either- in fact those people are usually sitting at home on a Friday night being bored too- they just happen to be in the same room! Don't fret Kristen- being in a relationship isn't the "holy grail" of existence- there are alot of wonderful things about being single, so enjoy it while you can!!!
One thing I do wonder about though-you seem to leave the contacting up to the guys you date- if they don't call you, you just let them go. Maybe they are sitting at home, feeling just as self-conscious as you are, and wondering why you haven't contacted them, thinking you must not be interested. If you like them, maybe you should pursue a little bit? Why not try it? You have nothing to loose with any of them right now.

At 11/04/2005 10:56 AM, Anonymous Judy said...


I've been in the same situation as you for going on 2 1/2 years now (with a brief hiatus when a dated someone, albiet non-exclusively, for 3 months). There are moments when I love being single (i.e. when I took 5 weeks and backpacked through Europe); there are moments when I'm fine with it (parting it up with friends); there are moments when I absolutely hate it (sitting at home on a Saturday night).

All of my good friends, including the guys, seem to be coupled up. The women get wrapped up in their coupley situations and their other coupled up friends and aren't so keen on helping you do what it takes to meet anyone. And the guys don't understand how women don't like to go out to meet men by themselves. My one single girlfriend, who is currently in school, has found out she graduating early and can move back home to Michigan. So I'm pretty much in the same boat as you- except one on the Potomac, instead of the Hudson!

I'm also branching out on the online personals ( by the way- lots of cute NYC guys on there). I've had a few dates, but nothing great. I wish I could say it gets easier or provide some magic words of wisdom, but I really don't have any. But I have learned this for mysellf: in the past 2 1/2 half years, I've gotten to really know and like myself, something that might not have happened had I been in a relationship. That's been worth it. From all these bad dates and half-assed relationships, I realized I'm not willing to settle for anything that's not right for me.

At 11/04/2005 11:58 AM, Blogger Jacques Roux said...

yaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnn. Don't worry little girl, God still loves you, and if you're good, Santa might bring you a pony for Christmas.

At 11/04/2005 12:55 PM, Anonymous m said...

I'm with Anon City Girl...sounds like a couple of us know where you can score a free ticket, hmmmm??

At 11/04/2005 8:18 PM, Blogger Tote Board Brad said...

Nothing to do on a Friday or Saturday night? Are you kidding? You're so lucky, you're on the East Coast, so even when you get home late, there's still GREAT West Coast Horse Racing.

You can bet Los Alamitos and other tracks until after midnight EST. If I had one of those fancy NY betting joints to hit, I know where I'd be. And, there'll be almost exclusively dudes there! Yeah, sure a lot of codgers and losers, but given the law of large numbers, there's bound to be a few high quality finds. Guys can't resist a chica that can read the Racing Form. And if you can't yet, there's bound to be some fraternity boys there that will teach you.

Here's your Friday night. You can go alone because I'm sure you'll make friends.
27 West 35th Street
(Between 5th & 6th Avenues)
New York, New York
Reservations: (212) 268-8868

170 John Street (off Water Street)
New York, New York
Reservations: (212) 344-5959

At 11/07/2005 7:24 AM, Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK said...

My advice for the next time that you feel in said mood? Leave the house. Staying at home alone and watching movies never helps me when I'm feeling lonely or depressed.

If it's early, head out to a new neighborhood in town or one of the gazillions of places to hang out in New York City. If it's later in the evening, call a friend you haven't seen in ages and ask if they want to meet up for a drink / cup of coffee.

Ditto the previous comments, we've all been there snf you're not a lone ...

At 11/07/2005 11:55 AM, Blogger Anonymous City Girl said...

what did you end up doing saturday?

At 11/07/2005 3:34 PM, Blogger -- said...

Had a really good time at the Kravitz concert. It was nice to have someone to talk to, and listen to, no strings attached.... ;)

At 11/07/2005 4:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is the trick you and your friend have with the digital camera???

At 11/07/2005 10:29 PM, Blogger Vespertine said...

Yanno, I just posted to my blog on more or less this same topic. I hate this bad self-evaluation days. All of my girls are in crazy new infatuation style relationships. I can`t get past a second date-- either me or him, doesn`t even matter. But it does lead to obsessive consideration of one`s singlehood.

Hopefully you`ve come out of your bad day....maybe I`ll come out of mine too!

At 11/08/2005 8:57 AM, Blogger -- said...

Hey anon--

Kim & I discovered that you can ask a guy to take your pic... and then start talking to him. Then you take a pic WITH him, and tell him you'll email him the pic, so you get his email (No one ever doesn't give their email).

We discovered this entirely by accident the day after I bought my digital camera. We did this 4 times in one night--when I emailed the guys the pictures, saying I had a great time, 3/4 of them responded to my email, asking me out.

It works...

At 11/09/2005 1:32 AM, Blogger the deal said...

Hey, I'm coming to NYC on Thursday for the weekend. We should get a drink and talk about the single life...I can see if you're as cool in person. If you're up for it, go to my blog's contact page and send me an IM or leave me a message.


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