Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Kristin's Rules of Order: Rule 1

People always question why I never pursue guys, why I never call a guy twice, rarely initiate plans, never initiate physical contact. No, I'm not a subscriber to that silly Rules book, though I do think He's Just Not That Into You is brilliant. My rules all come from the school of hard knocks.

During my last extended period of singledom, I made a lot of mistakes. I had never really been single before (Boston Boy had snapped me up at 17 and was the first guy to show any interest in me) so I really had no idea how to play the game (no matter what anyone says, dating IS a game). And things were tough.

The first 3 months of being single were a total mess (aren't they always?). On my 22nd Birthday, my roommate and I threw a crazy party (which has now become a yearly tradition). Kim and Sarah were there, as was this really cute guy. His girlfriend was there with him-but all the girls at the party agreed that he was the cutest boy there. And he was very attentive to me. He told me how he had a thing for redheads (I had dyed my hair for a movie I was in) and insisted upon doing shot after birthday shot of tequila with me. I got wasted, fast. At some point he and his girlfriend left with a bunch of other people-but half an hour later he returned, sans girlfriend, and resumed his strategy of pouring tequila down my throat. I must have gone through one bottle by myself, as 2 bottles had been polished off the next day.

At the end of the night, everyone was leaving, but the cute boy was sticking around. I knew that we'd end up having sex if he stayed, so in my falling-down drunken state I figured if I invited one of the other guys to stay, the cute boy would have to leave. Unfortunately, the 2 boys I propositioned were very gentlemanly-they both turned me down 'cuz I was wasted, but told me that they would be happy to take me up on my offer if I still felt that way when sober. Everyone left, and my poor roommate Tristin (yes, our names rhyme), puking in the bathroom, was still coherent enough to tell me that the cute boy had to go home. But I was long past the point of decision making, and when I went back to my room, the cute boy was waiting for me.

From what little I remember, it was the worst sex of my life. The guy was beyond rough with me, didn't even bother to take his boxers off, and left as soon as he was done. The next day he called, ostensibly to apologize, but really to ascertain if we had used a condom or not (we had).

The worst, though, was yet to come. I was in pain for the next few days, and on the film set I discovered a large sore. I freaked out, of course, and gave the worst performance of my life-I couldn't concentrate on anything. The old Jewish doctor I went to the next day, luckily, was very funny. They tested me for everything (all negative), but he said it was just too rough and that I needed to "close up shop" for a bit.

When Boston Boy heard the story, he insisted I had been raped. I wouldn't go so far as to say that, but the experience led to Rule No. 1: No sex with anyone I'm not dating. It had been my first and last one night stand.

24 Comments:

At 11/09/2005 5:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wait from what i remember reading didnt you give tennis boy a blowjob on your first date. so giving guys blowjobs on first dates is ok but sex is not? cool! i love girls who have standards.

 
At 11/09/2005 5:55 PM, Blogger sethro said...

I think we all set certain guards and controls around our personal lives when it comes to relationship. That said, I've found that I have an infinitely greater sense of clarity when it comes to interpersonal relationships, since I've loosened those barriers around dating. I say what I want to say, do what I want to do, all with no regrets. And sometimes, its just ok to break a rule once in awhile ;)

 
At 11/09/2005 5:57 PM, Blogger Kim said...

i agree with sethro. i dont have any rules, i go w/the flow. sometimes i get hurt, and sometimes i have a one night stand that is just that. sex w/no strings attached. there is nothign wrong w/that and shouldn't be looked down upon.
have you ever thought about changing your rule to not drinking a bottle of tequila in one night? just a thought..

 
At 11/09/2005 6:14 PM, Blogger Cynthia said...

Overall, this rule makes sense to me. But there is an exception to that rule. We learn all about exceptions to rules in law school.

In my expereince, there have been two times that I've had sex with someone and then it turned into a relationship after the sex. I just knew that he would call again and in both cases because we had previous interactions where he expressed his interest in being with me for real. In both cases it worked out alright.

And, making out with someone and having oral sex isn't the same. President Clinton would agree with me on that.

 
At 11/09/2005 6:15 PM, Blogger FINY said...

Been there, done that. The Ex and I started dating when I was 19 and byt the time I was single again, out of college, and living in a city I didn't know that well, I went a bit wild. I agree with sethro and Kim, everyone has their standards. Those certain boundaries that make them comfortbale. Where it gets dangerous is when those general guidelines become barriers between you and other people, but it doesn't sound like that's happening, or at least not from what you write here.

 
At 11/09/2005 6:33 PM, Blogger -- said...

Hey Anon, when I post the rest of the rules, you'll understand a bit more....

And I don't endorse any one else taking on my rules--they're just what work best for me.

 
At 11/09/2005 7:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

kim have you ever thought about not being a judgmental bitch?

 
At 11/09/2005 7:16 PM, Blogger Cynthia said...

Okay, whoever you are, don't call one of my friends a judgemental bitch. That is totally uncalled for. If you disagree with what someone writes then write a comment saying why and then move on. Being civil is easy!

 
At 11/09/2005 7:21 PM, Blogger Cynthia said...

Also, a blog should not need a referee. This is not The People's Court. If you can't be nice, then you should Grow Some!

 
At 11/09/2005 7:38 PM, Blogger Kim said...

anonymous, u're an asswipe. how am i judgemental you freak? if u drink a bottle of tequila, chances are you're going to end up in a fucked up situation.

 
At 11/09/2005 9:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey,
I'm not the same anonymous, but I think the first one just wanted to point out that Kim should be on her friend's side. Of course doing a bottle of tequila is not a good idea, but i am sure Kristin already realizes that!:) No need to rub salt in wounds, yeah?

 
At 11/10/2005 3:58 AM, Blogger ThreeCharlie said...

I'm with Sethro and Kim, going with the flow of the situation works fine for me. However, if you've learned that certain boundaries work fine for you then hey that's what works for you. And I totally agree with Bubba that oral doesn't constitute sex.

 
At 11/10/2005 6:14 AM, Blogger Kim said...

i'm not intending to rub salt in her wounds. i'm telling her this so she doesn't get hurt again (whether it be having sex w/someone, or whatever else) if i didn't care about her, i wouldn't say this. i know it came out rude, and i dont mean it that way.

 
At 11/10/2005 10:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I still don't think that Kristen answered the question "Why don't you pursue a little" with this post. When I wrote that you should let the guys know you are interested, I didn't mean that you should jump in the sack with them and have a one night stand, or that you should give up your principles or any of the rules you've set. A good man that is worth it is going to respect your boundaries. My point is that you are expecting too much from these guys- you are expecting them to take all of the responsibility for maintaining contact, planning dates, and showing you affection. Take the British guy, as an example- British men don't have the same "rules" as you do (I know, I have one.) Dating is a two way street there- if you don't show a bit of interest, they are going to give up easily. (And no- one text about chicken soup is not good enough- you are going to have to try a little harder than that.) Besides, how do you even know he got the text? How do you know something didn't happen to him? Maybe he stopped calling over some silly misunderstanding on his part? And that is just one example- this type of of thing may have happened with all of the guys. I know it's nice to get alot of male attention, but it's also nice for them to get some back as well- put yourself out there and see what happens!!

 
At 11/10/2005 2:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't understand what in your past experience made you decide that its never a good idea to pursue a guy. I am not suggestion that you have sex or put yourself in a situation where you feel uncomfortable, but why don't you ask guys out? Why don't you initiate plans? What exactly do you have to loose by doing those things?

 
At 11/10/2005 2:40 PM, Blogger -- said...

Bad personal experiences--every time I've done that, the guy ended up disapointing me big time. I'll tell all my stories, I promise then you'll understand a bit more....

;)

Though I'm not at all adverse to asking guys out. But when I've got my flirt on, it's hard not to notice...

 
At 11/10/2005 2:43 PM, Blogger Anonymous City Girl said...

I'm not a guy, but I think that in just the same way it makes a girl feel special and pretty (and all that other crap) when they are pursued (by someone they like)... it would also make the guys feel special to have a little of that coming back at them.
maybe he's thinking "maybe she's just not into me", when he's stuck on that one way street. maybe that accounts for some of the guys just "fading away"... they might think its pointless to pursue someone they think isn't interested in them.
Guys??? Close or totaly off the mark and you aren't that deep???

 
At 11/10/2005 3:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a guy, and Anonymous City Girl is right. We're people, too.

 
At 11/10/2005 3:55 PM, Blogger -- said...

Ah yes, but don't y'all run away at even the first HINT of clingyness? A lot of guys take calling more than once, or any sort of pursuing as a sign of much clingyness to come....

 
At 11/10/2005 9:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, obviously the approach you've been using up to this point is not working. I think the guys are drifting away because they don't feel that you are that interested in them. (Case in point: the birthday party where you were flirting with one guy in front of the other and the other guy left early, obviously dejected). There is a definite diference between being clingy and showing interest and giving them some "feedback". If they like you, the feedback lets them know that they are on the right track, and to keep it up! Just food for thought...

 
At 11/11/2005 1:22 AM, Blogger -- said...

Trust me, if I'm interested, it's hard not to know it. For example, my final email to Karaoke Boy stated:
We’re on the last week of this frikkin show, thank god. I can’t wait till it’s over (and till my schedule returns to semi-normal, at least until we start up rehearsals for the next one...). But Saturday at 6:30 I’m free! Woo-hoo! I’ll have to figure out what I’m going to do to celebrate...


I don't know how I can be any more obvious than that...

 
At 11/14/2005 5:24 PM, Anonymous Judy said...

More online dating stuff......

I've been playing it cool on the online dating sites, only replying if/when guys write me back. But there was one guy I particularly liked and hadn't written me back in days, so I took the initiative and wrote him last night. And he wrote me back today! So maybe it's ok to take the chance a make a small move. The worst they can do is not return it.....

 
At 11/14/2005 7:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you Judy- you have supported my point. Finally- a lady that can Grow Some Testicles!!

 
At 11/15/2005 1:13 AM, Blogger -- said...

Judy,

Good for you--I have no problem doing that, in fact have done so on many a match.com occasion. I just feel that if a guy does not return my phone call/email, then he is either (a) not interested or (b) not worthy of my time, because he can't call me back. I don't know why that's such a problem for anonymous...

 

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