Cosmic Joke
After the string of boys I've been dating who've lost interest in me (most after 3 dates, of course), the universe has decided to play a cosmic joke on me. Last week I had two (2!) dates with different men who seemed plenty interested in me, but I couldn't even fathom seeing myself with.Bachelor #1:
A Music Producer. He started chatting me up on the street last Saturday (before the Kravitz concert I attended with Damn It Anyway) when I realized I had auditioned for his musical a few years earlier. After promises of some studio time and the like, he suggested we get together that week. I'm not entirely sure what I thoughtthat would entail, but when we met up Wednesday, it was, indeed, quite the date. He's far too old for me (in his 40s, I gather) and not the swiftest tool in the shed. Passionate, clearly, but not someone I find attractive, nor, I doubt, someone I ever will. He was so awkward on the date. Clearly the Italian place we went to intimidated him--he made me order for both of us (I think he was afraid of mispronouncing Rigatoni and Pappardelle), didn't eat more than a bite of his pasta, repeated the same stories about himself over and over again, and insisted on paying, despite my repeated attempts to split the check. He called the next morning, and I didn't return his call, but I ran into him on the subway on the way to class Friday and he questioned why I didn't call him back. He suggested we go out this week--and I couldn't reject him on the train, in front of people, so I told him to call me today. He did, and left a message saying to meet him tomorrow at 7. I couldn't call him back (he has no cell phone) so when he called again tonight, I told him the truth: I have rehearsal tomorrow. When he tried to reschedule with me I told him "I don't want to give you the wrong idea, I just can't see you romantically" and then he copped an attitude, saying "I just wanted to know if you wanted to get some food, but whatever" then hung up. Ug. I hate being honest--but it's much easier than trying to avoid someone who is so insistently and repeatedly trying to contact me. Also, it's the right thing to do. Even though I get attitude for doing it.
Bachelor #2:
My last match.com date, with an Irish fellow. Though he brought flowers (to a first date? with a stranger? Never, NEVER a good sign--those guys are always super desperate), he seemed promising--27, getting his masters in sociology, good job, cute Irish accent--until he dropped this little gem of information on our date: He has two (2!) kids, ages 8 and 3, with two different women--one in Ireland and one here in the city (no, this was not on his match.com profile). We had already agreed to have drinks after dinner, and I felt kinda bad for the guy, and didn't want to end the date solely on that basis (I wanted to give him a chance), so off we headed to a bar around the corner from my house (mistake #1). We were talking, though, and the kid thing totally weirded me out, so I figured, "hey, if I drink more, I won't feel so uncomfortable" (mistake #2). 5 martinis later, he walks me home, comes upstairs. We're cuddling on the couch (quite chastely) but I didn't want Cynthia or Madeline to be freaked out when they awoke in the morning, so we moved into my room--and all of a sudden we're hooking up (no, no Irish curse there). Not what I wanted to do, but I was not thinking right. The worst part was the 6am poking his dick into me, while whispering in my ear "are you on contraception?" How nasty is that?? He doesn't even know me and he's trying to fuck me, while I'm half asleep, without a condom. I think I can figure out how he got saddled with 2 kids he barely sees. I told him "no" and he stopped and we went back to sleep. At 10 I woke up. He left with me (I had rehearsal) and we walked to the train together. How unbelievably awkward, though he did tell me repeatedly how he wanted to see me again, how he's sorry if we went too far, etc. He called twice(!) yesterday. I tried calling him back tonight, but he didn't pick up. I left a brief message. If he does call, I'll have to go through the same routine as with the Music Producer. Not fun.
What did I do to get such bad karma?? I'm not sure which is worse--total-potential guys who aren't into me, or no-potential guys that are?
posted by . @ 11:09 PM
31 Comments:
Well I promised that I wouldn’t go looking for your blog but after a friend of mine tracked you down and called me to read some of it to me I felt the urge to at least read it for myself.... and perhaps reply... not to worry, after posting this I will leave you in peace.
Firstly, I apologize for the fact that under the heavy influence of alcohol, I behaved in an unseemly manner. The sex thing, yes, definitely ungentlemanly - I shouldn’t have even come upstairs...let alone the rest of what happened. I can not apologize enough for that one.
Secondly, you bear part of the blame for this mess - you drank more to feel comfortable? I said that I was just going to stay for one drink, it was you that wanted to have another round...which led to another...etc.
Thirdly, with regard to my kids...I think it is rather unkind to say that I never see them (even in comfort of an anoymous blog posting) - I see my daughter 3 times a week and my son that I never see is because of Ireland’s arcane child custody laws. To make me out to be some guy who just wanders around impregnating the planet is a little uncalled for.
Finally, I felt the discomfort as much as you did...we both broke the same rule about hooking up on a first date...I was merely trying to ease a bad situation. I had hoped to at least talk to you about this whole mess (hence the two phone calls) because I knew from your body language in the subway station that you had a problem with the whole thing. I guess in the end we were both acting when the simplest thing would have been for both of us have just been honest about what a crapfest we created and then go our separate ways.
As for the flowers...well I was just trying to stand out in a crowd...an attractive woman such as yourself is probably inundated with suitors... going by what you told me on our date, its not going as well for you as you might like...but I honestly wish you the best and hope that you find the man that you need and dream of.
P.S. Thanks again for breakfast; in light of your real opinion on our disastrous date (and I agree with you on that) it was really nice of you to at least extend that courtesy.
I think that first comment would have come across a lot better if the general tone hadn't been 'I feel guilty, but hey, you should feel guilty about it too.'
Alcohol impairs judgement and makes people do stupid things. Everyone knows that. But ultimately, you have to take responsibility for what you do when drunk, because you always start off sober and able to make the decision as to whether having another drink is wise. If someone else decides to keep drinking, that doesn't mean the decision has been taken out of your hands.
(All that said, I'm really not the best person to be commenting on the dangers of alcohol consumption)
I understand you had a bad date, but maybe next time, you can ask him to leave instead of spending the night with a stranger. I'm glad nothing worse happened.
Oh no, I was willing to chalk that comment up to some anonymous person messing with me, but I do believe this is the real deal... Nooo!
Me and my big mouth. I don't remember even mentioning anything other than "I have a blog" and 3 hours after I post this I get a response. *doh* An apology email is currently being composed....
its human nature to want what you cant or dont have and to lose interest in what you do have. its all about the hunt. that one unattainable vision of perfection in your mind.
Kristin...
I have noticed that the tone of your writing about some of your sexual encounters give the feeling you felt "obligated" or it was just easier... like the bj with the tennis guy.
You can always just say no... you don't have to explain or you can be honest and say you really don't want to that night or until you know him better. If he doesn't come back after you say that very early in the "courtship", isn't that better than doing it after you go down on him and no receprocation?
ACG--you're totally right. I _do_ tend to feel obligated, especially if they even try to do anything for me (no matter how ineffective). Guys won't leave you alone until they come, so it's easier to just get them off then to have a big conversation about it, risking their anger. I think I try too hard to be "nice" and end up not doing what's right for me.
I feel like once i'm in the situation, I can't stop it, so I try not to get in the situation in the first place (hence all the rules, which don't seem to work all that well anyway).
If they are going to disappear at the drop of the hat.. or act like a big old baby throwing a tantrum if you don't play with their willy... wouldn't you rather know up front?
Worse case scenario, you say "Time for you to go home" or "You're not coming in tonight... Goodnight" and he doesn't call you back (maybe a little pouting)... if you had let him in, he still would have disappeared but would have gotten laid first.
So if you don't want to, don't. If you just want to get laid, then go for it. Nothing wrong with that either!
Much as I hate to resort to psychology, how you see yourself often determines how others treat you. If you see yourself as the kind of person other people take advantage of, you'll project that in body language and someone will come along and take advantage. As an actress, you should have head start on the rest of us on projecting the kind of image you want other people to see.
Man, not only did you have a rough experience but then he tracks down the blog and comments? What's that I hear? Oh yeah, that's the karma wheel kicking you while you're down :) Makes me glad I've never told anyone I know about mine.
I still think it's terrible that a girl thinks a guy is "super-desperate" simply because he brought flowers! Maybe he was just trying to be a nice guy!!!
But hey, it worked didn't it? I mean, he hooked up on the first date...
Dating in general is a cosmic joke. I'm still waiting for the punchline to my dating life. Until it happens, just chalk it up to experience, make the most of it, and try to find some humor in it all...after all, it is a joke, right? ;)
I keep wiating for you to grow up a little and take some responsibility for your actions. If you're not "attracted" to them (because he's "old", fat, a mutant, or whatever) and you know he's interested in you beyond a platonic relationship, DON'T ACCEPT HIS INVITATION FOR A DATE!!! It sends the wrong signal. And if you're going to piss an moan about the fact that they disappear after you hook up with them, KEEP YOUR LEGS AND MOUTH CLOSED!!! If you haven't figured it out already, signle guys are looking to get laid, first and foremost. If you don't believe that, you're only fooling yourself. "Dating" means just that. DATE them, build a little rapport, establish a little trust, and then, maybe take them to bed. And if they can't hang around long enough, then at least you don't have to slog around with this juvenile guilt complex.
Grow some testicles yourself, and get a little bit of self respect.
And don't worry, when you finally get into yourlate 20's/early 30's, you'll start meeting men who know how to actually treat a woman like a lady. Maybe...
Jaques Roux said...
And don't worry, when you finally get into yourlate 20's/early 30's, you'll start meeting men who know how to actually treat a woman like a lady. Maybe...
===
...if you are a lady, you'll be treated like one.
it is kind of funny that you are offended by him "poking you", when it was you that invited him into your bed.
luckily he took no for an answer... those are those situations that turn into he said/she said date rape after school specials. you both had been drinking, impard judgement, and you willingly invited him into your bed for the night.
you jumped to say there was no way you were getting in a car with a man you just met because you are a smart woman dating in the big bad city... start using that same judgement with your other choices and you'll be fine.
I thought it was quite funny that Kristen seemed shocked that the Irish guy would try to have sex with her after she invited him to her bed- DUH!!! Naturally, he is going to think that she is interested in it!! If she wasn't, then she would tell him to go home, right? Kristen- if you know that alcohol makes you do foolish things, then it is your responsibility to take care that you don
t drink too much. If your not careful, you could easily be the target of date rape.
I think it was super nice that the guy brought flowers! That is such a romantic gesture, not a loser one at all. I 've had really, reallly nice guys bring me flowers on the first date who were not desperate at all!
Oh wow, I'm already feeling bad about myself and then not only does my blog get discovered but I get mean comments too? Ug! Great day! Thanks threecharlie, actorserf, sethro, and Vincent for sticking up for me.
Jaques--You say I shouldn't accept dates with people I don't want to date. I wholeheartedly agree. If you read my post, you'll see that I (however naively) did not realize that my outing with Bachelor #1 was, indeed, a date. Also, if you read my post, you'd have noticed that Bachelor #2 was a match.com date, so how would I have known if I was attracted to him or not? And BTW, it's not that he wasn't attractive, it was the kids thing that wierded me out.
Also, you say I piss and moan after boys that I've hooked up with disappear--anyone who reads my blog knows I do a lot of pissing and moaning, but all that was about boys I did NOT hook up with: MacB, British Scientist, Karaoke Boy. The two boys that I HAVE hooked up with, The Prospect and Tennis Boy/Footlong, I did NOT piss and moan about--or at least I didn't piss and moan about them calling or not. My "pissing and moaning" about the Irish guy was more about the mistake I made, not about his calling or lack thereof (he called twice, btw).
You also state I don't take responsibility for my actions, but I didn't blame the evening on him--I readily admit to my mistakes in the post, namely
1. drinking too much and
2. going to a bar near my house
I'm happy to add:
3. Inviting him into my room, since you and everyone else seems to think I'm a complete fool for allowing that to happen, however, I have had more than a few guys stay the night and only cuddle with me (including, but not limited to, Jersey Shore Boy). The Irish guy seemed like the perfect candidate to do just that--we both expressed our desire to NOT hook up with people on the first date--and I believed him. And I still do--I think the alcohol got the both of us carried away.
And about the flowers: I think flowers on a first date are the sweetest thing ever--IF you've met the girl before. Bringing flowers to a BLIND date makes you desperate, yes, because why would you want to bring flowers to someone who could be totally gross?!?
As far as the comments about inviting a guy back into your room...
I think (at last with my comments about specificly that) were not ment as attacking or mean spirited.
You have been lucky so far... luck doesn't hold out forever. It really can become a dangerous game of chance with real consequences.
In the past, yes the boys only cuddled and didn't try to hook up... but you are getting older, the men you are dating are getting older... expectations change as we get older, wiser, and more worldly.
I am only trying to share things I have learned along the way and trying to make the road signs clearer for you... I know how obsured they can be sometimes.
Oh, ACG, everything you say always makes sense. You should know that. Even if I don't like hearing it sometimes. ;)
We can learn a lot more from our mistakes than getting things right, provided the mistake gives us the chance to do things differently next time. Maybe next time keep the first meeting short, in a neutral spot and free of alcohol. There's also nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable around someone, because sometimes it's just your intuition telling you now is not a good time to feel comfortable.
On a completely different subject, it's amazing how many people spell Kristin wrong considering the correct spelling is right there in plain text.
Kristin, I think you have just gone through my worst fear realized ... I can't believe Irish Guy read your blog - nevermind commented! I think I would have died.
As for all the comments and all the sh*t you're going through ... I honestly think every single girl goes through this stage at least once in their dating lives. For most people it's in college. For those of us who were in serious committed relationships during that time, it happens a bit later.
Eventually it will pass, and you'll look back on it as a learning experience. For now, don't regret anything, it doesn't do any good, and you can't go back and change it. And don't get caught up in what other people think/say about it. I took a LOT of sh*t from my friends when I went through basically the same thing in the year after The Ex left. But unless someone is actually living your life with you they can't actually know.
Good luck, girl.
Wow guys...quite the discussion...
My two cents and in Kristen's defense...it takes two. So there were some poor judgement calls, but this dude clearly took advantage of the situation because he's a man, and what do men want?? Hmm, anyone...TO GET LAID.
As for the flowers...I've already got an opinion on that...
http://snobinthecity.blogspot.com/2005/10/men-comparison-through-flowers.html
this dude clearly took advantage of the situation because he's a man, and what do men want?? Hmm, anyone...TO GET LAID.
Look, I like Kristin or I wouldn't keep coming back to read up on her happenings. But let's be honest too... She met him, internally she was not very comfortable with him (learning about the children and such), but externally she sent major go signals: invited him into her home, "cuddling", invited him into her bed. He may have misread her intended signals, but she did send very mixed and unclear signals.
Learning from one's mistakes is part of growing up, but so is taking resposiblity for our roles in those mistakes (before everyone jumps me in a dark ally, I am not saying Kristin is not, in fact I don't think she has made one excuse for her reckless actions... I am not so sure about the comment about it being a "normal phase" to be, I don't think that is true).
I don't think if the majority of the commenters didn't feel some kind of connection to Kristin, we wouldn't have commented, even it it came off a bit harsh and over protective.
Then again, it's might just be my innate need as a stage manager to protect actors. :-)
Not to knock you down after all the harsh comments, but guys don't buy girls enough flowers as it is. Please don't make them even less inclined to do so by saying it's a desperate gesture on the first date! You expect guys to pay on a date, which is old fashioned, and flowers are another act of chivalry. I would have loved to get flowers on a first date. It's a shame you took such a nice thing for granted.
ducky, what part of
I couldn't call him back (he has no cell phone) so when he called again tonight, I told him "I don't want to give you the wrong idea, I just can't see you romantically"
didn't you understand?
I don't know how that's being anything but honest. And this is nothing new for me. If someone is interested in me, and I'm not into them, I ALWAYS tell them so--by phone or by email. I did that with the Prospect and with the 37 year old I don't think I even wrote about here.
Also you say I shouldn't consume large amounts of alcohol on first dates. Um, yeah. On all my other first dates I've been more than able to control myself--and have had much much less than 5 martinis. I don't know why everyone needs to keep harping on this fact, when I've already admitted it was stupid. Yeah, I made a mistake, I get it. If I already know that, I don't see why everyone feels the need to tell me.
Kim, back me up here. There's a difference between flowers on a first date from someone you've met before, and flowers on a first date with someone you haven't. The latter option, I'm sorry, SMACKS of desperation. I've yet to go out with a guy who brought me flowers on a BLIND DATE who wasn't at least a little on the desperate side. However, Jersey Shore Boy got me a dozen roses a week after we met for my birthday--and I thought it was the sweetest thing ever. But see, he had met me and knew he was interested in that point.
Yeah, Kim, I'm starting to get annoyed too. I hope you really don't mean that you'll never post again....
Somehow I doubt that the first anonymous on this chain was actually the real irish guy. Were there any new facts mentioned that only Kristin would know were true or not? None that I can see. I'd bet someone is just messing around (and provoking quite the chain of comments..)
- anon #7 (i can't remember my blogger pwd..)
Why write a blog for all the world to read if you don't want all the world to read it? Get an old-fashioned paper diary and a pen if you don't want people to read and comment!
...I agree with Kim about the first guy, though. That posting was not written by an Irishman, unless he's been in the USA long enough to have been through grade school here. His punctuation, word order, and phrasing look pretty darned American.
My first thought was yes, someone is just messing with me. But, having BEEN on the date with the Irish guy there are quite a few things in the comment that only he would know--I didn't tell anyone these details (and they're not in the post either). Namely:
I said that I was just going to stay for one drink, it was you that wanted to have another round.
I see my daughter 3 times a week and my son that I never see is because of Ireland’s arcane child custody laws.
We both broke the same rule about hooking up on a first date.
I knew from your body language in the subway station that you had a problem with the whole thing.
Thanks again for breakfast.
There's no way that anyone else could get all those details right. It was him. If you need more proof, I'm writing a post about him now.
Kim, if you really feel that way, then turning commenting off on your posts is easy enough to do. That way you can continue to keep Kristin company around here (since you two are really the only ones who post these days) but don't have to deal with those of us who like to return the favor of Kristin reading and commenting on our own blogs by participating in hers as well.
You are not alone. I totally get the "obligation" feeling, too. I'm brand new on the market after a 6 year relationship (live in; we might as well have been married) and I can completely see myself in your writing.
May the martini and karma gods shine down upon two attractive and well-meaning girls who just want to have some fun.
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