Tuesday, August 09, 2005

my experience with the hated ex

it was the summer of 2002, my summer of freedom and fun. i had just gotten out of a three year relationship and was having the time of my life meeting boys, drinking with boys, taking advantage of boys-
and then he came along
the smooth talking, late 20s, i still live with my parents, i'm getting my phD in english and i'm going to talk all night long to show you how smart i am, bad in bed (at least with me), 5'3", let's be cruel to people even if they're my "friend" because who's to say that's "bad," who's to say what is bad and good anyway, i'm going to wine and dine you and take you to all these fancy lounges you've never been to to show you how "classy" i am and make you feel all special a-hole of a "man"-who is coincidentally, sarah's ex and/or current bf.
so i got the scoop about sarah and him through kristin..apparently it started when sarah was in college and she was working at the student activites(?) office and he was her boss. in case you couldn't put two and two together, they had sex and then he left for ohio 2 weeks later to go work on his 8 year phD degree. i knew that he was sarah's first and that they still talk all the time and hang out whenever he is in town (translation: i knew sarah was into him)
so i was shocked when one monday morning he called me at work. first of all, how did he get my number? second of all, i didn't realize he even knew who i was (we hung out about three times maybe, always in this large group of his) he told me he had free tickets to a play and asked if i wanted to go with him. my immediate thought was oh, ok he must've asked around and no one wanted to go... so i said sure... i hung up. my coworker looked at me. i immediately emailed kristin... i think i just got asked out, but i'm not sure. what the hell. i'm so confused.. do you think sarah is okay with this? she emailed me back, apparently they talked about it, she's fine... i emailed sarah who i wasn't that close with at the time, but definetely figured that i should make sure she was cool with it because if she cared, i would back off. and also, i wanted to cover my ass because EVERYTHING comes back to me. she assured me that they weren't going out, that they weren't ever going to go out, and he wanted to ask me out.
a voice in my head was telling me to drop it. he's not my type anyway. there is too much history with him and sarah.
but i went out with him.
of course.
because my life sucks.
i had nothing else to do. and a part of me has to admit, it felt really really nice to be asked out so unexpectedly.
plus it's not like i even had time to go home and change or "get ready for my date" so that took off a lot of pressure as well and made it feel like less of a date and more of a casual thing. (i hate dating)
it's just a play.
so we go to the play which was some tennesee williams thing, i couldn't really concentrate because 15 mintues goes by and he puts his hand on my hand which happened to be on my thigh.
anyone who knows me knows i have a lot of nervous energy.
what was his hand doing on my hand which was on my thigh????
what is going on?
this IS a date
but what the--- why me? first of all, i am a foot taller than him and probably 30 lbs heavier. secondly, he's all into books and i'm all into science and use words like "whatever" and "psha"
he probably just wants sex.
i was having a lot of sex that summer. i didn't care. i was single and to me, that was part of being single, having fun and having sex if that's what i wanted to do at the time. but should i have sex with him? he's leaving in a week. plus everyone in that group will know. it seems too messy. he's ok looking. he can be cute sometimes with his longish hair.. i don't know though. i'm not that into him.. but it would be different... we'll see..
after the play he asks me if i want to grab something to eat.
we go to L'Express on Park.
i peruse the menu..
ooh, duck. when i was in Croatia last summer, my aunt made the best duck. it was so good.
yeah, the duck here is great i think i'm going to get that too.
the waiter arrives
i'll have the duck
i'll have the pasta with the vegetables
that should've been a sign. see he definetely is NOT my type.
he asks me about the play, and i try to sound all intellectual, trying to think of somethign profound to say, but i probably paid attention to it for about 5 minutes. who knows what i was able to come up with. probably that it was "really good" and "funny" then he probably said that he didn't like that one part, and i probably agreed.
so is this a date? he smiles
this is what he does. he likes being blunt like this. why is he asking me if this is a date when he was the one who called to make the plans. to see my reaction of course. he likes being "full of suprises" saying things and doing things that come out of nowhere, testing people out. why? maybe so he can stand out. maybe because that's the only way people actually pay attention to him. maybe because he has nothing else really going for him and his life is so empty that he has to create something "magical," some drama, something interesting to talk about.
um... i dont know.
well it feels like a date, huh?
he's trying to be all cute. aw how sweet. almost makes me want to vomit in retrospect.
yeah.. it does..i giggle... i was so suprised when you called me. that came out of nowhere..
well, i talked to sarah a lot about you.
really? but what's going on with the two of you. aren't you sort of together?
oh that can never work out.
i start thinking to myself... this is my first date (or date thing) in a LONG time.... this was fun. it was all new and unexpected.
do you want to get a drink at the Underbar he asks?
okay, why not
that's where he first kisses me. i was in mid sentence talking about one of my coworkers and he sticks his tongue inside my mouth while i'm in midsentence
i giggle (because i ALWAYS giggle)
he tells me i'm beautiful
the kiss wasn't that great. he sticks his tongue in my mouth and just keeps in there. i dont know what to do with it. i felt like i was being too aggressive in trying to move my tongue around his. i wonder if he thinks that I'm the bad kisser?
he walks me home and kisses me again. i have to slouch. the kiss is a bit better, but still not good. he tells me that he'd really like to see me again, tells me that he leaves for school in a week and says that he'd like to see me as much as possible during the upcoming week.
wow. well, this is all kind of fun. i have nothing else going on, sure!
that was so sweet and nice i think as i'm falling asleep.
i can't remember the next couple of nights, but the day of my birthday which was thursday a huge bouquet of flowers arrives.. surely they're from my mom i groan...
but no, it's him.
how crazy is that....
and they're sunflowers
how does he know i like sunflowers...
it's starting to feel so great. so different. because he's "different" and "full of suprises"
my birthday night arrives... i get totally wasted because that is what i do. i'm sitting next to him and sarah is sitting across from him. someone is taking pictures and i feel weird because i see that sarah seems down. she looks really pretty. incidently, the hated ex was saying that he and one of his troll friends were talking about sarah and how she's been "looking and dressing really good" lately.
after a few dozen shots of tequila, i notice that sarah is crying. i ask her to come to the bathroom with me but instead of consoling her i start throwing up and start calling her katie, our other friend who recently moved to san francisco for law school.
sarah hands the hated ex a $20 and tells him to take me home.
i try not to puke on him. i'm such a mess. i keep my head down. we have to take a total of 6 cabs to get from 50th and 8th to my old apt in the village because any time the cab moves i have to jump out to puke.
he walks me to my door and i tell him how embarassed i am. he asks me why, he himself puked a week ago at sarah's birthday thing at la lantera. i appreciate that he's making me feel better. i giggle.. as i always do.. you make me giggle i tell him. i have no idea why i say this i think as i'm sayign it. probably because i dont know what else to say and i'm with a person of the opposite sex and he is being all supportive during this time of my puking. someone is walking a dog.. i like dogs i tell him. i like cockerspaniels. i'm totally yappering... i have no idea if he's going to want to try to come up to my apt or not. but then he tells me to feel better and asks, will i see you tomorrow. i nod okay. he kisses me in spite of my vomit breath and says that surprisingly my breath is fine.
i sleep like a baby. that was so nice of him...
the next night i am contemplating not meeting up with him because i feel so horrible, and sarah was crying and everything.. but i do anyway. it was very mellow and i sat there drinking water the whole time. that was the night he asked me if i wanted to go back to his dad's apartment. i said okay.... so we did it and it was so funny because at one point his dad opened the door while we were asleep. we giggled and talked all night. or he talked. he is a big talker. i'm used to doing most of the talking usually. he came so quickly. i usually have orgasms pretty easily but he didn't give me the chance. a part of me thought that was cute though. i was so much woman for him that he couldn't help himself. he started goign down on me because i told him that i couldn't get off that way. he said he was really good at it. but surely enough, after what seemed forever, that was not happening either. it was all good though. it was a very nice time regardless. he walked me home the next morning and we had more sex at my apt and fell asleep for a few more hours. he told me i was so beautiful and that my face looked like a french portrait. that my eyes were insanely beautiful.
the next time we saw each other was not so "nice" he was taking me to yet another fancy restaurant for dinner. when i met him i knew there was something wrong. i want to know if you had unprotected sex before with other guys he blurts out as we sit down at the restaurant.
sarah told me that you had unprotected sex this summer
she said kristin told her and when i asked you the other night you told me you never did
i was speechless
why are you people talking about my sex life?
sarah thought i should know. she was being protective
um. well i'm all good if that's what you're wondering. i wasn't very smart in the beginning of the summer, but had a gyn appt last week. i couldn't believe that he made me stoop to this level and made me feel this way. and how about you?
i forget what he said because i was still shocked that there was actually a discussion that took place about me being a dirty whore basically.
needless to say, i didn't feel like having dinner after that but we were there. i had an awful time. then the bill came and he says uh oh. i look at him. can you help me out he asks. i am indeed, in total shock. he takes me out to a fancy expensive place and asks me to pay? i have no money! what is he doing?? why i didn't leave i have no clue. no clue whatsoever to this day. i throw down my credit card.
those people are such gossips he says i'm sorry about everything. look i trust you. let's have a great time and try to forget everything. i'm so sorry i made you feel bad.
i started hating everything. i started feeling sorry for myself. i hate that everything gets ruined for me. i just want to have something special with someone without either someone meddling or something ruining the moment. i start rationalizing that my friends are more to blame than he is. surely, he was just looking out for himself, and yes he had bad timing, but i couldnt' blame him. i start talking shit about my friends. before that summer i had slept with only 1 person and just because i was having fun now and being reckless at times, people constantly passed judgement or lectured me. i had enough of it. he agreed. he seemed to be on my side.
then we leave the place and he tells me he doesn't think it's a good idea that we have sex that night.
i was dumbfounded. how presumptious of him. but then again, i was getting sucked into it all and acting like such the stupid girl for not leaving in the first place, for not leaving when he asked me to pay, for caring, for making excuses for him.
he didn't walk me home that night.
i felt like crap. i felt guilty. i felt disgusting.
yet i saw him again. i went to his going away party. things seemed to be better that that god awful night. i didn't want it to end like that. i figured we could still have something fun and casual and talk on the phone. if it ended like that, i would feel like it was because i was gross.
at first that night was going great, he was paying attention to me, kissing me, holding my hand under the table. it was great. again i noticed sarah though.. sometime that week, we were talking about her. he said that she'd always be a special part of his life, but that she was just on another level.. she wouldn't stand up to her parents, she lived at home with them (hypocrite much?), they would never like him because he isn't greek.. and on and on went the excuses...
we went to another bar and i noticed he got quiet. i knew something was up. i wondered what exactly was going to happen that night. then he says he doesn't feel well and asks sarah to go out with him. i knew then that i wouldn't see him again. i knew that they were goign to hook up. i saw the way they looked at each other all night, the way they laughed together. it didn't hurt me until i found out for sure though. when i left the bar, i didn't care much. it felt like it was inevitable and for the best. but i still i expected him to call me though the next day to let me know what was going on. nothing... sunday, his last day in town. no phone calls, nothing... i forget if i emailed him first or if he did. he finally calls me and tells me matter of factly, that he had an epiphany.
a what?
i was thinking about having a long distance relationship with you.. and i figured, well if i have one with you then why can't i have one with sarah since that was the excuse that i kept giving her for all these years.
huh, i guess thanks to me, i brought the 2 of u together.
well yeah i guess you sort-
i told him i can't talk to him anymore and hung up.
i was flabbergasted. what? he sounded so matter of fact that i wanted to throw up. not sorry. not at all apologetic. just, this is how i feel, so you'll have to accept that.
i had just been totally used. but i didnt' feel like i was used for sex. i felt i was used to believe that this was going to be something more. at least a friendship. something. the entire time he was telling me how much he liked me, how I'm different, how this is so much fun. and then he doesn't even say, i'm sorry for wasting your time, i'm sorry, i'm messed up, i'm sorry this wasn't what i thought would happen.
oh, i had an epipany. my emotions are everywhere so you'll just have to deal with them.
i was so mad. i didn't want to be the stupid date that he ignores. i was smarter than that and started blaming myself about everything. about being so dumb and naive and just everything.
the next time i heard from him was months later. i had sent sarah an invitation to a party i was having. ( i hadn't seen her in months, but i didn't have anything against her..) well, he sends me an email telling me sorry, but he can't make it, but thanks for the invitation. he tells me congrats on getting into hunter's nursing program (which i had found out i didn't get into) and he said the reason he couldn't make the party was because he was being honored with the newbery award. (he doesn't write children's books in case you were wondering.)
i was furious.
again, this is so typical of him.
one of the things i did when we were seeing each other was express to him my insecurity that i was less intelligent than he was. i dont know why i was so stupid. i'm more intelligent that he'll ever be. he is so incapable of living in the real world. of being a good person and having an ounce of integrity. sure, he's eloquent. sure he's well read.
why is he attacking me though? what is the point of his email? he knows my "insecurity" and he subtlely is making fun of me now?
everyone was telling me not to even bother to write back to him.
i couldn't stand being put in this situation any longer. he had been angry prior to this that i didn't want to remain friends with him, that i didn't want to see him when he was in town, saying why can't i just "get over it" why did i have to dwell on it. i personally think he was also angry that my reasons for not wanting to remain friends with him stemmed not b/c he hurt me so much, but because i basically had (and have) no respect for him whatsoever and dont enjoy his company in the least bit.
so back to the email... if i dont respond, it would seem like i didn't get his underhanded jokes b/c i'm not smart enough. but if i do respond, what do i say?
well, because i'm me and have no self control, i told him to get his 4 inch dick out of my face and refrain from contacting me again.
he emails me back saying i misinterpreted his message and starts calling me crazy saying i need anger managment.
i finally just block his email so i dont have to hear from him ever again.
time went on, and it turned out that he dumped sarah, telling her he never loved her and that he was confused. i saw sarah when returned from school last summer. i felt so bad for her. again with his emotions changing and everyone else having to completely understand. it wasn't his intention of hurting anyone. he simply doesn't love her and doesnt' want to talk to her anymore so clearly that should be understood. what's the problem?
i'm convinced that during one of his existential crises, he realized that his purpose in life was to stir up trouble and see how people would react. well, i decided i'm not going to be experimented on.
sarah was so much better off too. no one needed to deal with him anymore, finally!
well, of course, it was too good to be true. now he seems to be back in full effect. and the same traps have returned. now it's even more complicated as sarah and i have gotten closer over the past year.
so if i dont see him, "i'm not over it" esp since "it was soo long ago" and i'm a bad unsupportive friend, and if i do, he'll piss me off b/c he'll "experiment" on me. (the thought of him alone clearly pisses me off esp when i am referred to as "his date that night that he ignored" or am informed that he had a nickname for me, or am told wow i recall everything dont i)
why can't he just move far far away? or crawl back into his mother's womb where he belongs???
i want sarah to take my bet! if she proves me wrong, i'll take back my words. in the time being, i wish she had enough self respect to realize he is just a bloody waste of time.


At 8/09/2005 8:13 PM, Blogger Sarah said...

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