Friday, August 05, 2005

Last Night for Cynthia

Well, I think we’ve finally resolved some of this crap with my dear boyfriend’s ex who seems to cause me more emotional anguish each day.

Last night, I went out with Kristen, Sarah, Hottie Male Roommate and other friends to celebrate a birthday. I had to leave after just a couple of hours, but it looks like I should have stayed (see Kristen’s most recent post).

But, it was good that I left in the sense that my dear boyfriend and I stayed up until 4 am discussing all this drama. My plan was to wait until the after the weekend to figure everything out, but my beloved wanted to resolve things now. Sometimes, in times of strife I feel a strong pull to wait until the last possible minute to discuss things. I fear conflict. But, my dear boyfriend could sense that I was uneasy about things and I’m glad that he wanted to talk. I don’t think I would have brought it up, but I feel 100% better today.

Topics discussed:

How it makes me angry that he intentionally avoids making any mention of me when he talks with her in order to avoid conflict. This is just shitty. I also don’t know how we expect her to come to terms with our relationship if he doesn’t identify it often as something that is important to him. It is not like we started dating yesterday. My dear boyfriend recognized this as a problem and I appreciated that admission. He said that he isn’t sure he can be friends with her if they don’t get to a point soon where he can speak openly about his relationship with me to her. I don’t want that to happen, but I appreciated the sentiment.

How I feel that I spend a lot of energy considering her feelings and no one considers mine because I am stable and she is unstable. Basically, I think it is wrong to focus all energy on crazy people because they are crazy. Sane people deserve respect too.

How I believe that many of my feelings of anxiety about the situation (and specifically the planned exchange of items) are related to the fact that when we met he wasn’t especially honest with me about the state of his relationship with her. For the benefit our new blog friends, my dear boyfriend was still “technically” dating his now ex-girlfriend when we met. They were in an “open relationship.” However, when we met he portrayed the situation to me quite differently. I guess that was smart because I probably never would have gone out with him if I knew the whole truth. Most certainly, I would not have had sex with him if I knew the truth. Additionally, he didn’t admit to me until yesterday that he had sex with her when he went to visit her in her Midwestern outpost of hell this past February (for the purpose of formally breaking-up with her). But, I knew that is what happened all along because I am not a moron. I don’t blame him for any of that. It was a weird situation and I think he dealt with well as he could. I’ve never judged his choices, but I do think they have contributed to the current state of affairs.

How it sometimes bothers me that I’m planning a future with someone who wanted to marry someone else and actually went about planning said wedding. Kristen once said to me that everyone plans a future with a person they are dating, at least in their mind. She is correct. But, not everyone books a venue. Look, I know that people make dumb plans sometimes and I know very well that he never felt especially good about these plans (ie. doubt and anxiety). I don’t feel badly about his “first engagement” all that often, but I feel like I need to be honest with myself when things do bother me.

That he is sorry for the mistakes he has made and hopes that it hasn’t damaged my trust in him. Honestly, I don’t think it has. Mostly, I just worry about the ex-girlfriend. I don't think she is a good person. He knows that even though he is the love of my life, if he were to cheat on me, I would leave him in a heartbeat and I wouldn’t look back. I do think it is ironic that for the first time in my life, I didn’t have to own up to any mistakes. Not that I am perfect, but in this relationship I’ve committed no offense larger than occasional snotty comments. Personal growth is an amazing thing. I'm so thankful that I I’ve become the person I am today.

I wish that we didn't have to devote our time talking about crap. C'est la vie! Mostly, I am glad we can talk openly and honestly about these issues without resentment and anger. I wouldn't trade that for anything. The core of our relationship is that we love each other so much. Luckily, we don't loose sight of that even in difficult times.


At 8/05/2005 1:13 PM, Blogger -- said...

Glad you got to work things out. How was dinner with Goofball?

At 8/05/2005 1:46 PM, Blogger Sarah said...

Goofball is a great nickname for him!

At 8/05/2005 1:50 PM, Blogger -- said...

Yes, I'm very proud of myself.


At 8/05/2005 3:23 PM, Blogger Cynthia said...

Dude, all Goofball did during dinner was speak of Kim.

At 8/05/2005 3:33 PM, Blogger -- said...

OMG!!!! Does he realize she wouldn't go out with him if Hell Froze Over???

At 8/05/2005 3:33 PM, Blogger -- said...

AND, she has a BF???? My god.

At 8/05/2005 3:33 PM, Blogger -- said...

Did they even talk? Or is this all in Goofball's mind?

At 8/05/2005 5:28 PM, Blogger Kim said...

OMG what have i missed? i'm mia for 2 days and all these things are going down. goofball? i think i know who u're talking about... i kinda think he's cute in a *really* geeky way. but do not tell him cuz he kinda freaks me out too! heheh
and OMG HOTTIE ROOMATE AND SARAH!! can we all have an orgy w/him?? =P
j/k! hehehe (sorta)
but yeah, def do him cuz we want to live vicariously thru you!!


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