Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Because I may never be able to say these things in person

Dear [Insert the name of my dear boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend],

Sometimes, I think things would just be easier if we spoke or met in person. Then we would be real to each other. You would see that I am not the enemy and I would see that you are not psychotic. I think both of our impressions of one another are based on speculation, fear and jealousy. I wish you could know me in a real and meaningful way and that my name didn’t constantly throw a wrench into your relationship with him. I’ve never want to cause problems for you; I just want to be happy. I am sorry that your happiness and mine seem to be mutually exclusive ideals.

There is no doubt in my mind that we are very different women, but we are similarly situated. We both feel uneasy and about the current state of affairs and seem to need the same reassurances of his love and loyalty. I think on many issues we experience the same emotions, yet some sort of canyon of emotional distance separates us. I sometimes worry that I am some secondary substitute for you in his life. Similarly, I’m sure you worry that he has just substituted me for you in the trajectory of his life. I sometimes worry that you are things that I will never be or that there has to be some sort of hierarchy with one of us more highly ranked than the other. But, things don’t have to be that way and the currently hostility is a disservice to us both.

I wonder what you think about me. Or, I wonder what exactly you know about me. What has he told you? What did your brother tell you? I hope you think good things. For reasons I don’t entirely understand, it is important to me that you like me and think I am a good person. I sometimes feel like our relationship needs your blessing or else these bad vibes will be like an albatross haunting the rest of our lives. As you know, maintaining a relationship is hard enough without outside people hoping for it to fail.

I hope you know that I spend an awful lot of time considering your feelings. I was unbelievably upset with him for not telling me the truth about the status of your relationship with him when we met. I do not date other women’s boyfriends. I do not let them stay at my house or fuck them. I am not that kind of lady. Had he been honest with me about the situation, I assure you that things would have transpired differently. Additionally, I was angry with him for not calling you on Valentine’s Day because that was rude and I told him so. I never encourage him to slight you, I do the exact opposite.

I also wonder what you really want from him. My intuition says that you don’t truly want to get back together. I think more you want to be wanted back and don’t want to be alone. Maybe you would be fine with the break-up if I wasn’t in the picture? I wish you were more honest and upfront about your intentions. How can we meet your needs when it is unclear what those needs are? How can we consider your feelings when it is not altogether clear what those feelings are on the critical aspects of this debate.

I feel jealous of you sometimes. You have shared more time with him and I am envious of that. He also planned a future with you and that sometimes makes me feel uneasy like I will always be a second choice. I hope you know that this whole thing hasn’t been easy for me. You may think it has, but it has not. I don’t like knowing that my name makes another person cringe or cry because I am a reminder of something bad.

But, I think it would be good to meet you. Not just for five minutes, but for long enough to get a sense of each other that is based in reality. Maybe for dinner? Maybe for drinks? Then you would see that I am not the enemy and I would see that you are not psychotic and we would be a lot closer to real dialogue. I hope you will be part of our family because you are an important piece of me understanding who he is. There are stories and memories that I will never know unless I hear them from you. My hope is that one day you will share them with me. I care about you and your feelings and if you don’t think it would be good for you to be in our lives then so be it. Know that whatever you decide, I will think of you and he will remember you with laughter and stories, like we always do. Despite the fact that we’ve never met, I feel a connection to you and I hope we can overcome this to reach a positive place of friendship. That would be my dream.

All the best,


Post a Comment

<< Home