Grow Some Testicles

My hated ex

Though I kissed Hottie Roommate, last night wasn't the best of nights. It wasn't the best of nights because the topic of my ex-boyfriend came up. Everyone I know hates him and disapproves of my decision to date him again. Unfortunately, that's not an exaggeration. No one is happy that he is back in my life.

The truth is that many of their criticisms of him our right on target. He can be cruel, selfish and uncaring and he behaved very, very badly. He dumped me suddenly over the phone after figuring out that he was never in love with me. No, he didn't say he no longer loved me, but that he never loved me. He thought he loved me, but he was wrong. He said he loved me, but he was confused. He wasn't lying, he was confused. This is what he told me. It took him a year and a half to realize that he was confused and wasn't actually in love with me.

It was a very painful breakup. Nothing about it made any sense. I thought he loved me and couldn't figure out what had gone wrong. Though we did have problems, I didn't think any of them were very serious. But than again maybe they were serious. I never felt that I was his greatest priority. I thought he was selfish and I knew that he wouldn't go out of his way to make me happy.

I don't know if he would go out of his way to make me happy today. I don't know if he's changed at all and cannot guarantee that history won't repeat itself. However, I do know that I'm not ready to give up on him. I share a special connection with him that's hard to describe and even harder to ignore.

Recently I was reading a book that he had read only a few months ago, and as I was reading it I was struck by this one sentence. I can't dictate the sentence from memory, but it was one of these sentences that speak to you; that you feel the need to underline and reread. When Paulo asked me if I was enjoying the book, I told him about the sentence. He smiled and pulled out his journal where he had copied the same sentence I was talking about. He was struck by it in the same way I was. That's why I don't want to give up on him, at least not yet.

posted by Anonymous @ 2:32 PM