Boyfriend Limbo
I had a horrible night last night with the Brit. A disaster of a date. Ug.It started out well enough. We meet up, head down to chinatown. He'd never been down there. We walk around, get some dumplings and tea, look at everything. Get offered fake bags like 200 times. We're having fun, we're walking through Little Italy, then head up to the village. Stop at McSorleys for a beer. He's impressed by my knowledge of pubby NYC bars. He makes some joke about going home with him--well, kinda. I get uncomfortable, blush, turn pink, but am not knocking the idea. We both agree we need to drink more.
We walk some more and end up in this German restaurant on 3rd Avenue. We're having more drinks, sitting at the bar, laughing. Having a great time. Teasing more. He mentions something about when were dating before, like in September--we have a disagreement about the timing. I tell him I keep a journal, I'll check the timing. He says "You don't have a journal. You have a blog." Haha, I laugh. "Sure I do," I say, referring to the "public" blog I keep that everyone knows about. "No," he says. "You have a dating blog."
At this point I think I begin to hyperventilate. The bartender seems to notice that I don't look happy. I down my glass of wine, and order another. The Brit handles this very well, though, tells me he's never read it, that one of his friends had found it, back in September, when we were dating before. Tells me what his nickname is, which confirms that it's the right blog. He assures me that he won't read it. Tells me that everything will be fine. It takes him about an hour to calm me down. When he takes a bathroom break, the bartender asks if I'm in trouble--and I tell him the situation. "Uh oh," he says.
Of course, my solution to everything is to drink more. (Regular readers will remember that this solution almost always ends in disaster for me. You'd think I'd learn.) Exclusivity is discussed, and agreed to. ("Yippee!" I think. "I have a BF!!") But then all the extra alcohol kicks in. Basically we both get too drunk, and I tell him all my deep dark secrets. Nothing too horrible, but it was waaaaaaaay too early to share that kinda stuff with him. And then, of course, I can't stop referring to the bartender as "the cute bartender" and of course, that annoys the Brit. We end up having a mini argument, but he clears things up. "This is our first argument," he jokes. But yet, we can't seem to recover from everything I said. We left things very up in the air. Still nothing physical between us. I'm not sure he ever wants to see me again--and of course, he's probably reading this now.
Larissa's post today is all about the good and bad of keeping a blog. For me the bad has been far outweighing the good. I've met some fabulous new people because of it, including Larissa herself, and it's been great to have an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. But the anonymity thing isn't working. This will be the 3rd guy that I've dated that's found the damn thing--and no one I'm dating needs to know every thought in my head--I sure wouldn't want to know theirs! Perhaps it's time for me to retire?
posted by . @ 3:05 PM
20 Comments:
What I want to know is: how the Dickens did he find it? What is he, a private detective?
But it does rather seem that you are being a little pessimistic about the whole situation: despite all of your deep, dark secrets that you would not reveal so soon, despite calling the bartender cute, despite getting drunk and having an argument, he still wants to see you and only you. Isn't that a good thing?
(Incidentally, tip to men who are dating women with supposedly anonymous blogs: don't tell them that you've found them until you're in such a stable relationship that she'll just find it funny. Think years, not months...)
coatman: I'm not sure that he does want to still see me and only me... We didn't exactly leave things on an up note.
Yeah, he thought the blog thing would be funny--he said he didn't even know I was still writing it, as he's never read the thing and his friend never mentioned it again. I obviously didn't take it very well....
You had an exculsivity talk and then things fell apart? My head is spinning. Perhaps a sober talk is in order?
I hope it works out. I doubt it's as bad as you think.
Well, you have a couple of choices to make.
Close the blog or not, or stop posting for a while to see how it goes for you.
Pursue the relationship or not.
Think of all good the things the blog brought you. Did it help you grow emotionnally as a person? Would you go back to the person you were before starting it? Is the situation really that bad, or are you just a little too startled?
We can't tell you what to do now. There isn't a best choice. Only you can decide what's the course of actions you prefer.
No, don't close the 'blog! It's far too much fun. He didn't seem to mind that you had one...
If you want to build strong, ethical, honest relationships with people, stop blogging about them. Blogging personal details about people you are dating is wrong. You are going to ruin potential relationships. If you enjoy blogging, blog about public figures, inanimate things or events. Sure, you'll get only a fraction of the readership and drop out of popularity within bloggdom. But continue blogging about people close to you at your own risk. Not what you want to hear but you know it's true.
I could not disagree with that last Anonymous commenter more. You can blog about your life and people you know in a way that doesn't identify them. And isn't really a personal choice to make? I would be willing to bet that most anonymous bloggers actually self-censor to protect their subjects quite a bit. (I know I do.)
Sure, we all have to deal with the consequences, but to say it is wrong to blog about people you know without identifying them is a bit extreme.
People -- novelists, columnists, screenwriters -- write about their lives all of the time. Would it be wrong for Kristin to write a novel based on real people she knew? A blog essentially is that, except if you're anonymous you don't get money (usually) or credit for your work.
That said, K, hope things get better!
I'm with Charming...
Just give it a few days, then contact him and apoligise for saying major things too soon. And be honest- tell him you've had a great time with him in the past, and you hope that it will continue. Don't drink too much when you're with him for a while, and don't mention the blog anymore. If he isn't reading it and doesn't know the web address, then it doesn't matter if you post about him or not. Take things slow with him for a while as well- he's too good to let get away.
Kristen isn't writing a fictional novel or a screenplay. She's writing a daily journal of interactions with real people. I admit there is a grey area between blogging and creative writing but I'd be hard-pressed to call this dating blog a novel. That said, even novelists have to answer for it when they write autobiographical works that are unflattering to certain characters. It doesn't always end well for them either...
hey maybe if you're lucky he'll call you tomorrow to make sure you're alright...
I would not blame you if you wanted to take a break from blogging. If you feel like it's hurting more than helping, maybe it's the thing to do. Just remember how nice it can be, too, when you use it as a cathartic channel and get feedback from all these different people. It's different that confiding in friends, because a lot of the opinions are going to be more objective.
Whatever happens, I hope the Brit comes through for you. And if he doesn't, he is not worthy of you.
Right, this isn't a novel, but I don't understand why what this writer is doing is in any way more "wrong" than a any other person writing based on his/her life. We all have to take responsibility for what we write, and obviously we all feel the crunch when we think people may be affected by it.
And, Kristin DOES have to deal with backlash from her subjects. If she wrote a novel about these people and they read it, they might be pissed. The same goes for the blog, right? And actually, she's protecting them a lot more than a novelist would by not associating anyone's names with the work.
I mean, if she were being anonymous and ratting her subjects out by name, then that would be wrong ... but if everyone is getting equal anonymity, then I really don't see what the problem is if she's comfortable with it. And if she isn't, then she knows what she has to do ... but I'd much rather read this than any number of cookie-cutter blogs about celebrities and politics.
But maybe that's just me.
Well, that's why stopped my own dating/lay/hookup reports once the media started sniffing around my blog.
First of all, people tend to have two reactions when it comes to the idea of pick up artists & dating coaches:
A) They're insecure (I'm essentially teaching guys who to get chicks so either they become intimidated or aggressive) or
B) They're intrigued. It's about even 50/50, but as a general rule, I DON'T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB
Some people are OK with outing themselves, and that's fine. But I'm not there yet, even though I've got a meeting setup with a TV news anchor this week.
It's all going to end in tears, I just know it.
Kristin:
I think the thing to think about is how many times dates have found your blog nd how many times this has affected your relationships. If this blog is really starting to put the damper on real-life relationships, you should sit down and seriously weigh the pros and cons of keeping it up.
Don't get me wrong- I enjoy reading about your adventures in dating, as I find they sometimes mirror my own. However, I do believe anoymnity only goes so far as your dating blog gets more popular on the Internet.
As for the specific situation with the Brit, I agree with Dolly. Unless you said some really awful things to him, once you give it a day or two, you should be able to work it out with him. If you can't, he's just not worth the time.
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry to hear that it didn't go too well. :(
If it's any consolation, it sounds like the date wasn't a complete disaster. Though, I must admit, I don't believe his yeah-I-know-you-have-a-blog-and-I-know-where-to-find-it-but-I-don'tt-read-it story.
Thanks for your support, guys. I don't think I'm ready to give up supportive, wonderful strangers just yet!
Personally, I think there's a difference between talking about strangers and close friends. And I can't remember anything you've written as particularly offensive about anyone. Of course, maybe I'd feel differently if it were me that was being written about. It also sounds like it isn't really the blog that he freaked about, but, perhaps, something you inadvertantly shared or something just freaked him about about committing. Because, he likely has read the blog. I mean, come on, wouldn't you? But, he knew about it (and likely read it) before the exclusivity talk. Very strange, though, I have to agree with smug married.
Either way, I'm sorry you're hurting.
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