Thursday, December 01, 2005

Kristin's Rules of Order: Rule 2

After my horrific birthday expierience, I thought I had everything figured out. Sure, hooking up was okay-just don't sleep with the guy. Well two gentleman were waiting in the wings to prove me wrong.

The first fellow I encountered while out with Sarah one night. We were at some wannabe trendy lounge off of Union Square, standing up (because there was no room to sit), apple martinis in hand, when a good-looking fellow approached us. After talking for a bit, he invited us to sit down at his table with his friends. I was seated next to a tall, handsome Russian actor, who was totally cute--and seemed totally into me. We spoke of his budding career, and when the night ended, and his friend offered to drive Sarah home, I accepted his offer to return to his place. No sex, but major hooking up ensued. I was completely baffled when I never heard from him again.

Our second fellow waiting to teach me this lesson was an unlikely candidate. He was the epitome of dorkyness. Tall, though, and relatively cute, and a good conversationalist. We met through a mutual friend at a group outing, and he plied me back to his apartment with the promise of an expensive vintage of wine. When I agreed, I got the impression that this tactic had NEVER worked before. We had a nice time, shared our sob stories, hooked up (of course). The best, though, was the looks of total shock on his roommates faces as he walked me out of his apartment the next morning. He didn't give me his number, but I fully expected him to call mine. I mean, really. He would never behave the way the Russian actor did--he would call, of course. He never did. I was heartbroken.

After that, well, I didn't really hook up with anyone 'till my relationship with Jersey Shore Boy began and ended and I met the Prospect & Footlong. Because I wasn't expecting anything from them, I was fine about it (and, of course, they DID call).

Rule 2: No hooking up with guys you actually expect to call you back.

12 Comments:

At 12/01/2005 12:11 PM, Blogger David said...

I honestly don't know what to say; I'm trying to figure this out myself. I went on a date Saturday and he called me back, but several days after I left a message. And then he refused to make another date with me; he said he prefers shorter notice.

Ok, so maybe he's just a spontaneous kind of guy, but if I'm offering, why refuse? Men are almost as silly as women. Almost.

 
At 12/01/2005 12:46 PM, Blogger Kim said...

it's sounds so crazy, but it is so true. it's def our attitudes-when we are into guys we act so differently than when we're not. when you dont care, of course they call, like clockwork, whether or not you do anything w/them.
*sigh*

 
At 12/01/2005 2:20 PM, Blogger Betty on the Beach said...

Even geeks have game in this city. I was lured back to a geeky guys place under the guise of "tea & conversattion". First date, I declined and went home. Second date, I called him out on his "maneuver" but accepted the invitation. We did have tea and conversation but after he called a car for me to head home he proceeded to grope and beg for me to stay. Said he only wanted to hold me...yeah, right...we've all been there girls. Needless to say, it was after him that I realized geeks too, have game.

 
At 12/01/2005 2:27 PM, Blogger Adam said...

Game can be over-rated. What happened to being a gentleman and seeing where the night went? Oh and girls, just enjoy being chased for a little while...

 
At 12/01/2005 4:32 PM, Blogger Cynthia said...

Long comment here. Sorry, I'm trying to avoid work.

In general, I do agree with this rule. But I think there is a key factor to consider. What degree of hook up are we talking about? Overall, I think if the degree of hook up is low, just kissing or some touching or whatever, then that wouldn’t be a reasonable deterrent to someone calling you. But a more serious hook-up could lead to that result.

A short story. When I met my boyfriend, as Kristin can tell you, I acted very out of character. I hooked-up with him (but pretty low level) and said a lot of things that could have come off very badly. In retrospect, I can’t believe the things I said. I told him that it had been too long since I’d had sex. I told him of my love of expensive lingerie and I told him that men have told me that I am very tight. I mean, WHAT THE HELL CAME OVER ME? I wasn't even drunk. I guess, I just felt really comfortable with him and felt like I could say these things without recourse. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but it was not smart dating behavior. That night, he told me that he really hoped he could see me again. I was confused, I let him touch me so in my mind that was all I needed to do to indicate that I wanted to see him again. I told him that of course I wanted to see him again too and I didn’t know why he wouldn’t be convinced of that without me having to say it. He replied, “I don’t know, I just thought maybe you just wanted to hook-up.” I was so surprised, but I think there are some women who are just looking for that. Despite that exchange, I was so paranoid that he wouldn’t call me because of my behavior. That day, I walked about the house muttering to Kristin that I was sure I had fucked this up by acting trashy. He did call that next day and we continue to live happily ever after. But, I learned a valuable lesson that day. When people don’t know you well, it seems critical to keep it classy. It is classy to kiss and be sexy and suggestive, but line between sexy and trashy is very subjective. I also learned that if you go too far, some men might think that is all you want.

So my bottom line is: In general this rule is the best way to protect yourself from someone getting the wrong idea. But, there can also be some wiggle room. But, never have oral sex with someone you really want to call you. That is the worst thing you can do.

 
At 12/01/2005 7:12 PM, Blogger sethro said...

*sigh*

I still say that doing what feels right in the moment is the best. Honestly, if a guy is that concerned about a first night hookup, he's too insecure to be a good catch anyway. Here's the thing. Your Rules of Order are meant to put some control around your dating life. But honestly, it gives you no more control than if you just lived by what you wanted to do, when you wanted to do it. You say No hooking up with guys you actually expect to call you back, but what happens if the guy is put off by your demure actions and decides not to call you back?

Just live life, I say. You never know what could happen.

 
At 12/01/2005 7:34 PM, Blogger Kim said...

i sorta agree w/both cyn and sethro.
i've never had rules on dating, and i very much went w/the flow. i liked being spontaneous and doing what i wanted to do in the moment. but, you do end up getting hurt from time to time, not to mention feeling like total ass after doing something in the heat of the moment. as i got older, i saw this. i have to agree w/cynthia that classy behavior usually is the best, and even if it means the guy won't stick around, at least you have your self respect, and nothing tops that i think.

 
At 12/01/2005 7:38 PM, Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK said...

Good point. And, there's no guarantee that a guy will call you back even if you *don't* hook up ...

 
At 12/01/2005 8:33 PM, Blogger -- said...

Trust me, it's better to have a guy who doesn't call after NOT hooking up than a guy who doesn't call AFTER hooking up. If I hook with a guy and he doesn't call, and I want him to? Then I'm devestated. If I DON'T hook up with a guy and he doesnt call and I want him to? Well, not so devestated.

 
At 12/02/2005 1:53 AM, Blogger elvira black said...

I know there's no hard and fast rule (I guess) but I tend to think that it's best not to get too hooky too soon. It takes time to get to know someone, and unless you're just in it for the quick sex fix, what's the point of making yourself vulnerable, especially if you wind up feeling hurt?

I also think that if someone doesn't call you back because you didn't hook up, they are probably not worth it anyway.

 
At 12/05/2005 5:27 AM, Blogger ThreeCharlie said...

I go with the flow and that works for me, you have rules and that works for you. It's what works for you that really matters.

 
At 12/05/2005 10:51 AM, Blogger rockthefaces said...

I think elvira has the key point, here:

>and unless you're just in it
>for the quick sex fix

To me, it's all about what you're looking to get out of the situation. If you're hooking up just for the immediate enjoyment of hooking up (and I'm not saying that in a negative way - that can be a very positive experience if that's what you're after), then whether the person calls or not isn't really a factor. If, however, your happiness and satisfaction with the situation is going to be determined by whether the person calls or not, that's something of a crapshoot no matter what, or who, you do.

I think you're setting yourself up for problems with these "rules," though. Every situation's different, and there's no promise easier to break than one to yourself.

 

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