Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I look like garbage

I feel so ugly and fat. You know I am in a bad state when I start saying things like that because I am generally not a lady that plays that game. I don’t do that whole “Do you think I’m pretty” thing to boys. It is not cute, it is annoying. I know this. Plus, I think most women have to get honest with themselves. I know that I am a generally a very pretty girl. I also know that I would be a whole lot prettier if I didn’t spend all my time with my wet hair up, wearing ill-fitting jeans and my boyfriend’s clothes and shoes.

It is just gross. My weight is the highest it has ever been. I know that I am a healthy weight for someone 5’10”, but I don’t care. I feel fat and I will loose 10 pounds before the end of finals if I have to live on fruit and diet soda. I refuse to go into the holiday season looking like a cow. I just won’t. Not that a size 12 is a cow, but you know what I mean.

I wish I had time to exercise or buy new clothes. I just don’t. School is so overwhelming right now. I don’t have time to work out, do my hair, go to waxing, get fake nails so I stop stress biting my own nails until they bleed or take care of my skin.

Now, I am certainly not a person very focused on physical appearance. I don’t want to look a certain way so that others will think certain things about me because I conform to beauty standards. I understand that beauty is a commodity in American culture and I think contemporary beauty standards are very destructive to men and women alike. But, this isn’t about that. I don’t want to look like a supermodel, I just want to feel like myself again.

I looked like my normal self at the beginning of the semester. Now, I look like Shrek. Okay, that is an overstatement, but I don’t feel like myself. I feel fat and bloated and ugly.

In case you are wondering, my boyfriend hasn’t said anything bad to me. He says nothing except that I am beautiful and that my body is completely sexy over and over again. I guess right now I just don’t feel that way. Property is making me ugly. I knew future interests could make you crazy, but I didn’t think they could make you fat and nasty.


At 11/30/2005 11:30 PM, Blogger charming, but single said...

You need a beauty-based study session. Face mask while you review notes, deep condition while you write papers, get pedicures while you read.

All joking aside, you aren't ugly, fat, gross, unsexy, etc. It's the finals talking.

And it sounds like you have a pretty kickass guy.

At 12/01/2005 1:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have a case of very bad negative thinking and bad self image. Why are you so concerned with looks, you have a cute guy - go out have have some fun. - ideas about having fun, enjoying life, exploring new things, and finding the best new york city have to offers.

At 12/01/2005 2:46 AM, Blogger -- said...

Anon -- Cyn has probably the best self image of anyone I know. She's just in a slump right now. I totally know how you feel, m'dear. And it will pass--those green tea pills I take have helped me lose that little extra when necessary... (but you know we all still love you no matter what--and you don't look a whit different to me).

And you know I can take care of that pamper session. Perhaps a post-finals spa party for you and Kim (and anyone else who wants to join us)? We can try out all the new spa sanctuary stuff!!!

At 12/01/2005 6:42 AM, Blogger Kim said...

ooh post spa partay? fun!
I get this way too, esp when my fat ass is in class for 12 hrs at a time and i feel the cellulite growing. i find that once i'm have break though, i feel like myself in no time. only a few more weeks till break!!!

At 12/01/2005 7:25 AM, Anonymous Ellie said...

Why do people have this need to criticize? Cyn, I've been there before and these things usually hits me around the holidays. I'm sure things get better when you have a break from school. Is it possible if you can set a little goal for yourself to dress up or workout once a week until your finals start? It will help you feel better. Goodluck

At 12/01/2005 8:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure it doesn't help living in NYC. I've been told that there is a rediculously high standard of beauty there, everyone concerned about the "image" they are trying to project.

At 12/01/2005 4:47 PM, Blogger Cynthia said...

I appreciate everyone's support, except for Anon who is mean and doesn't understand I'm in school.

I know I am just feeling bad because I am stressed out about finals. But I love the idea of a Spa party after finals. In fact, we should have a full-on slumber party. I think that would be fun.

I also think Ellie had a good suggestion. I'm going to start getting more dressed up to go to school. That way it will give me a little lift.

At 12/01/2005 9:52 PM, Blogger Kim said...

slumber spa parTAY!?!?! woohooo! (can u tell i'm loopy?!)


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