Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The Set-Up Wrap-Up

Well, Princeton Lawyer certainly found for me a great guy. The Set-Up is cute, funny, a good conversationalist, has a good job, and seems like a nice person. But.... (there's always a "but," isn't there?) ... he's 25. So what, though, right? Not even 6 months younger than me. Except that, well, there were a few minor breeches in etiquette.
--As the hostess showed us to our table, he walked in front of me and sat down in the window seat (traditionally the woman's seat) without waiting for me to sit down, leaving me in the aisle.
--He invited me out (suggesting dinner and picked a somewhat-pricey place) and then, well, we split the bill. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose, but, well, first off that's NEVER happened to me before on a first date, and second, I think if the guy is doing the inviting and choosing he's somewhat responsible, as the "host" of the evening. Also, drinks/coffee would have been more than sufficient. If he was planning on splitting the bill a little "Is this place okay? It's a bit pricey" or something before we got there would have been nice to give me a heads up.

Again, though, he seems like a great guy. I think in a few years, when he's learned a few things, he'll be a great catch. But I also get the impression he's just looking for a girlfriend to hang out with--not someone to settle down with, certainly not "The One." And I really don't feel like wasting another 2 years of my life in a dead-end relationship, just because it's fun. If there's no possibility of things going somewhere, then really, I'm not sure what the point is. Before, well, I didn't want to get married or settle down anyway--but I'm certainly open to that possibility now, and would like to start dating someone who that's also a possibility for.

The Set-Up said he'd call me when he gets back from his business trip, next week, but I doubt it. Somehow I got the impression that he "just wasn't that into me."


At 1/04/2006 10:31 AM, Blogger Anonymous City Girl said...

--As the hostess showed us to our table, he walked in front of me and sat down in the window seat (traditionally the woman's seat) without waiting for me to sit down, leaving me in the aisle.

I am all for old timey good manners, but that is just being way too nit picky, especially with a 25 year old. This has to do with what he was taight growing up... it may not have even been something mentioned. He is also at the right age that his mother was at her formative years during the beginings of the women's rights movement, and grew up being taught her views.

And as far as splitting the bill... You said it was a set up right? So he might have just seen it as this was all pre-arranged by Princeton Lawyer and he was just making the inital contact with you. Did he suggest a place off the bat or was it preceeded by one of those "where do you want to go... anywhere is ok with" kind of conversations?

Sounds like he managed to keep his feet off the table, chew with his mouth closed, not pick his nose, and hold a decent conversation. And people get nervous on 1st dates.
If you are both looking for different things then thats one thing... but a couple more dates to leave both yourselves open to possiblities isn't like "wasting 2 years".

At 1/04/2006 1:21 PM, Blogger rockthefaces said...

>But I also get the impression
>he's just looking for a
>girlfriend to hang out with--
>not someone to settle down with,
>certainly not "The One." And I
>really don't feel like wasting
>another 2 years of my life in a
>dead-end relationship, just
>because it's fun.

"Just because it's fun?" I mean this in the nicest way, but I think you might be putting the cart a bit before the horse there, no? I mean, you've been on one date with the guy, which apparently went well, and already you're questioning whether he's marryin' material and worrying about whether you'll be able to spend the rest of your lives together? Hey, an asteroid could crash into the Earth tomorrow destroying all life as we know it on this planet - if that were to happen, and you were granted one final moment of consciousness, would you feel better or worse for having given up a potentially "fun" interpersonal relationship because you were worried about a hypothetical future the development of which is at least partially going to be always out of your control?

Carpe diem, sister. I mean, if you're looking to get married in the next two months, then maybe this guy isn't the one for you. But if, like most people, you're going to take your time getting to know someone before wanting to tie the knot, then you'll have plenty of opportunities to get to know them and figure out if they're the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with...and who'll want to spend the rest of their life with you. Not to mention the fact that, honestly, if someone was giving off "I'm looking for The One" vibes on a first date - that's a set-up date, to boot - that would freak me out.

If you don't like his manners or whatever, that's one thing. But please, I'm begging you, don't think so hard about marriage potential after one date. You'll only drive yourself crazy and cut yourself off from meeting and getting to know some interesting people.

Approximate value of the above: $.02.

At 1/04/2006 3:07 PM, Blogger AWE said...

I agree, you put to much pressure on the situation.

As for leaving you in the aisle....I am from the South and that just doesn't work. I would love to be in NYC right now, but the dating scene would overtake me. I don't like for the woman to pay, especially if I ask them on a date, so I am sure I would be taken advantage of.

At 1/04/2006 4:13 PM, Blogger -- said...

I agree, anything could happen and I shouldn't put the cart before the horse. But why enter into a relationship with someone who doesn't want more, when I do? I'd rather enter into a relationship with someone where that's at the very least a possibility....

But he's not going to call anways, so all this is moot.

At 1/04/2006 5:09 PM, Blogger rockthefaces said...

>But why enter into a
>relationship with someone who
>doesn't want more, when I do?

Well, first of all, do you know for a fact that he doesn't want more? Did you guys have a talk about what you're looking for in a relationship? Or is this just a sense you're getting? It'd seem to me there's a big difference.

But so anyway, assuming that you're looking for a serious relationship and he's not, that's certainly a factor. Maybe it was just the way you phrased it...I dunno. It just seemed to me like you were asking an awful lot out of a guy on the first date, you know? I have no idea how it would be possible to go into a situation like a set-up date looking for someone to settle down with. I mean, you've never met this person before - shouldn't the first step be to see if you, you know, can even stand to be in the same space with them for more than five minutes without wanting to vomit? Everything after that is gravy. :)

At 1/04/2006 5:22 PM, Blogger Mitch said...

I have to admit, there is a certain amount of chivalry required on a date, letting the lady choose her seat, and walking in front are two normally standard options.

However, coming from a less than stellar financial situation, I know that I can't afford to be picking up the tab on dates. For me, it's always dutch on the first date, with future dates always alternating between people. Otherwise, I'd be even more broke.

As for the 'relationship' question - you're right, why get stuck into a relationship that isn't what you are looking for. If you're looking for fun, that's excellent, if you're looking for the one, then something else is lurking around the corner...

Now, if I could only be successful here in VanCity...

btw, good luck and happy new year!

At 1/04/2006 9:30 PM, Blogger FUNKYBROWNCHICK said...

You know, as long as you're having fun and you're not being reckless with anyone's heart (your own or someone else's), I say go with it. Who knows where it will lead. And, it's still fairly early in the game ...

At 1/04/2006 11:41 PM, Blogger allison said...

Ain't no sense in wastin' yer time on someone who ain't the one if that is what you are looking for.

And I do think it is possible to know after one date. Or 15 seconds. Hard to say which happens first sometimes.

At 1/05/2006 12:55 AM, Blogger -- said...

I have no idea how it would be possible to go into a situation like a set-up date looking for someone to settle down with.

Every date I go on is about me looking for someone to settle down with. I'd like to find that person. And I don't want to miss finding them because I'm in a dead-end relationship with someone else. And this guy, he's not it. I know. (Thank you allison!) And he knows, and he's not going to call because of it. I'm generally of the "give the guy a chance" variety. But my gut's telling me that this guy isn't it. I'm not sure why I (or he) should waste the time.

At 1/05/2006 4:46 AM, Blogger English.Jeff said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 1/05/2006 10:22 AM, Blogger Anonymous City Girl said...

Every date I go on is about me looking for someone to settle down with.

Sounds like you're dating with a mission. It is good to have a goal in mind... but don't let it take you out of the moment. You never know who is around the corner (or who is sitting in front of you) if you are only looking at the big picture... that big picture is made up of a million little pictures.
Over the years, I have made statemnts like "I am looking for X" or "I don't like guys with X" or "X is my type"... but everytime I made a statement like that, someone came along to and made me a lier. Some of the best relationships I have had with people (romantic and not) I might not have in my past given a 2nd thought to.

At 1/05/2006 12:44 PM, Blogger rockthefaces said...

>I'm not sure why I (or he)
>should waste the time.

Well, by all means, I'd never say anyone should see anyone they don't want to. That'd be just plain silly. I think all I'm saying is pretty much what anonymous city girl said above, much more eloquently than I ever have, so I'll just let her post speak for me from here on in.

All of this said, me giving any kind of romantic advice is a bit like a caveman attempting to discuss particle physics, so take any post from me with a grain of salt. The day I understand the workings of the human heart will be a glorious day, indeed.

At 1/05/2006 3:00 PM, Anonymous Judy said...


If you just don't like him and don't feel the chemistry, don't worry about it. Just keep looking. I know it's easier said than done, but I'm going through the same process you are. It was great that Princeton Lawyer took the time to set you up with someone, but if you aren't into him, you can't force it and don't let anyone force you into it. There's no need to justify it with complaints about his manners and check-splitting (unless it was part of what turned you off), just go with the fact that you aren't attracted to him.

Even though it's been awhile since I've been in a relationship and I'd like to have a boyfriend, I've also realized that the 2 1/2 years I've been single have been important to me and my emotional growth. I'm not willing to be with anyone suitable. That's hard at times when everyone is paired up (as I saw this weekend). I've been in a bunch of half-assed realtionships, as I'm sure you have been. But those relationships makes me realize the value of not selling myself short. I'm waiting for the real deal to come along.

At 1/05/2006 5:03 PM, Blogger Vincent said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 1/05/2006 5:05 PM, Blogger Vincent said...

Provided he's not going to call back simply because you want to think he's not the type to call back in order to justify your judgement that he's not interested in more than fun because you don't want to commit to finding out for fear of being right, or, even, wrong, then I say go with your gut feeling.

At 1/05/2006 10:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Look, you're only 26, there are going to be others. If you want to meet someone nice to settle down with, then you need to get out there and find the right guy yourself. Never and do I mean Never, let your friends set you up on a date. It does not work.

At 1/06/2006 3:32 PM, Blogger sethro said...

I'm shocked at all the accounts of dudes who will not pay for dinner or drinks. Damn, perhaps there really is something to being a Southern Gentleman.


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