Friday, August 19, 2005

MacB makes me Melancholy

MacB makes me melancholy. The last 2-3 times I've seen him, we've had moments of greatness, but in the end, I just feel sad.

Case in point: tonight. His show opened, it was really funny, of course I know EVERYONE involved in the darn thing (playwright, actor, director) so there's no way I'd be allowed to miss it. And, of course, I want to see him. Kim meets me at the theatre, fixes my hair, lends me a tampon, and gives me some advice. "Don't tell him about your period," she says. "Just play it cool." Though I have no idea at this point if anything's going to happen, I agree. "Of course," I say.

We head into the theatre and there he is, at the front door. Gives me a hug, no kiss though, and tells us not to sit in the front row (we find out later that he has a little role in the show that takes place there). The show is pretty good. Funny, amusing, interesting. Everyone laughs. It's a big audience for the space and everyone has a good time.

So the show ends and everyone's heading to get food, a drink, etc. MacB did say in his last email to me that the first drink was on him after the show, so I stick around. Kim is tired but sticks around too, so we're all waiting outside of the theatre. The playwright comes out, the actors, the director, everyone, but no MacB. Hrm. We wait and wait. I'm starting to think I want to leave, but well, I do know everyone else in the cast, so I know that I'm welcome to hang with them. Finally he shows up, friends in tow, totally engrossed in conversation with them. He doesn't acknowledge me. I'm diasppointed, of course, but we head off to the bar. We get there and Kim takes off to go home. She had wanted to talk to him too, but didn't get the chance, and doesn't want to stay out. So I'm on my own.

At the bar we sit, drink, order food. Miraculously there's an empty chair next to me, which he sits in from time to time, kisses me on the head, chats with me. No one around us has a clue that we've been... I don't know what. Kissing, I guess? I can tell they have no idea. It makes me sad, as I've been so excited about the whole thing. He hasn't mentioned it to anyone. He says he's running out to get money. I don't need any, but I pretend that I do so I can spend a few minutes with him. We hold hands on the way to the ATM and back, it's sweet. He explains that he has a lot of people here, so he has to put in face time with all of them. I smile and nod, I understand, I've been there too.

The rest of the night I'm pretty much ignored. He sits and talks with different people, mostly an Unidentified Brunette I wasn't introduced to at the other side of the place. I chat with all my friends, till everyone drifts off and the bar closes (it's not that late, so it's a little strange, but whatever). There are 5 people left: Me, MacB, the playwright, an actor, and a friend. They are going to get more drinks, are we coming? I'm up for it, but MacB says he's going home, it's late. So, again, since I didn't really feel like I got to see him, I say I'm going home too. At least we can walk to the subway together (he rarely takes cabs).

He walks me to the A train, starts to say goodbye, as he's taking the 1. I tell him he can walk the extra two blocks, he should take the train with me, but he protests. I make a cute comment, reminding him that he took the train with me Sunday and he relents. "Okay, fine" he says. We head down into the subway.

Here's where things get nice. We have a nice little chat, share a few really great kisses that he initiates(too short, though), and flirt a lot. He repeatedly tells me how beautiful he thinks I am. He actually drops one or two subtle comments about seeing him again ("next time..."). A good sign. On our last date he had mentioned that he had a crush on me but wouldn't tell me anything about it, so I ask him to elaborate. He refuses, but says that his crush on me began much earlier than I think. Interesting...

As we head to his stop, he gives me a quick kiss and leaves. The doors close and he's looking at me through the glass. He blows me a kiss, I blow one back, and the train pulls away. He stands there and waves 'till I can't see him anymore. So romantic! I sigh. How nice, I think. But what about him not talking to me? And what about him not wanting to take the train with me? I basically had to put myself in a position of being alone with him. Twice!

I don't know. I feel like I'm getting mixed signals from him. I feel disappointed. I feel like it's so close to being perfect, Sunday was too, and then it's not for whatever reason. I feel like I have no friggin idea what's going on, what he's thinking, and I'm sad. These little perfect moments, and then not so much. And I had to practically force him to take the train with me--what would have happened if I hadn't? Nothing at all, just hey, how you doing, good show, bye?

I should take my own advice and date someone else to take the pressure off. But I'm sick of sleeping with the Prospect--he won't go down on me and I'm not going to cum any other way without much difficulty and extreme effort. So that seems futile too. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just be happy on my own?


At 8/19/2005 6:56 AM, Blogger Kim said...

ugh. i am at a loss. last night was weird. i know it was opening night and all, but u'd at least think he'd come over right after the play and say something to us...thanks for coming, how'd u like it? oh listen i'm going to talk to these ppl for a while, i'll meet u there, hey kim so nice to meet u finally.... something. how long would that take, 5 seconds? then the rest of the night sounds even crazier. do you think he was nervous being w/u around everyone else?
my gut says if he's being so reluctant now and giving so many mixed signals, the behavior is just going to continue after u sleep together, and then u know it'll be worse. def dont sleep w/him until he commits.

At 8/19/2005 8:21 AM, Blogger Damn It Anyway said...

WTF!!!! You've been sleeping with a guy that won't go down on you!!! Let me guess, he expects you to go down on him though.
He's a jackass!!!
I've never understood guys that won't do that. Beyond that I've never understood guys that done love it.
Hmm then again my cousin seems like a guy that wouldn't want to, but then he's always so busy being gay that he probably hasn't had time to think about it.

At 8/19/2005 10:28 AM, Blogger -- said...

Yeah, he's the worst kind... "I have nothing against it, I just want to make you come the other way..." Yeah right. The funny thing is, too, he's had not so much experience with women, so you think he'd be excited and eager to please. But apparently not.

I have no idea what MacB's problem is. Like I said, we had some amazing moments in there, but then, wtf? I don't know how I could possibly sleep with him--nothing seems to be happening at all on that front. Just little kisses and tickles and touching my knee. Very innocent.

At 8/19/2005 10:39 AM, Blogger Damn It Anyway said...

"I have nothing against it, I just want to make you come the other way." so why not just look at him and say "My way or the highway".
The last time I got so lost in the moment I think I may have spent too much time down here. I looked up at her and said "What year is it..who's president?"

At 8/19/2005 10:41 AM, Blogger -- said...

Jersey Shore Boy was like that. Definitely one of his better qualities.

I don't think it's even discussing with the Prospect. I don't like him that much anyway...

At 8/19/2005 10:44 AM, Blogger -- said...

OMG, i just remembered. THE POET used to do that to me, too, had performances, whatever and ignored me. This is not a good sign.

Do I do that after a show? I think i'm pretty good about hanging out with the people that came to see me, right???

At 8/19/2005 11:00 AM, Blogger Cynthia said...

No after a show you are very attentive to those who have come there for you. Remember that time that Princeton Lawyer and I visited you during Macbeth and then we had lunch after the show. Other people from the cast were there and you barely went over to them. You don't ignore those who support your performances.

As for The Prospect. Luis is right he needs to "love the pussy." If he doesn't you need to send him packing. We've all suffered through bad sex with boyfriends. There is no reason to suffer through bad sex with a fuck buddy.

At 8/19/2005 11:03 AM, Blogger Kim said...

no, u're totally happy to see us. u have a lot of ppl to talk too, but when u see us, you're like HEEEYYYY thanks for coming!!!!
he didn't even turn our way.
dude if he reminds u of the Poet, run, run far away.
what i keep thinking about was, does he not want everyone to know about the 2 of u for some reason?

At 8/19/2005 11:05 AM, Blogger Kim said...

cynthia is right. there are so many guys out there, many who "love the pussy" and u should totally be either going out w/them or f-ing them instead =P plus they wont get u high!!!! u should post about that btw! =/

At 8/20/2005 1:36 AM, Blogger -- said...

Oh god. The Prospect, the Pusher indeed...

At 8/21/2005 2:34 PM, Anonymous datingirl said...

Oh...this is all too familiar my dear. Sounds so much like my own MacBe- we call him I'm-the-CEO-of-my-own-software-company around here...but notice the similarities: both send mixed signals, when it's good it's great- when it's bad it's REALLY bad...and, in a way, they both run a show!

It's been a year of onagain-offagain for me...but I'm convinced I'm learning something through this. I'm sure I am. I MUST BE becuase otherwise it makes no sense why I let people like this stay in my life. What's your excuse for this self inflicted misery?

Yours truly...

At 8/22/2005 1:05 PM, Blogger -- said...

My excuse? Right? I need one.

Well, I did just get out of a 3 year relationship, so I'm allowed to mess things up as I get into the swing of things, right?


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