Monday, August 01, 2005

my "live-in" boyfriend

didn't the rolling stones say, "you can't always get what you want?"
i guess i proved them wrong.
when my boyfriend and i started dating almost 2 yrs ago now it seemed that i was always the one who was more eager about our future, the one who typically wondered, when are we going to say i love you to one another, when are we going to move in together? get married???

he was the typical commitment-phone: he was allowed to say "we," to talk about "our kids," to say i love you -and then take it back, saying he was just joking around.. but me, if i said anything "inappropriate" he'd freak out. case in point, our 6 month anniversary when i finally told him i loved him. he said "me too," but i wasn't sure. i thought to myself, damn i should've let him say it first... and then 2 weeks after that, he pulled "the break." once again, i was kicking myself-- i shouldn't have told him to take down the picture of him and his ex in the living room, i shouldn't ask him to spend so much time with me, i shouldn't want him to spend money on me instead of his new flat screen tv that is too big to fit in his living room, and on and on and on.
and despite what everyone in the world was saying, i felt like i wasn't better off without him. during that time, i cried and cried and cried like i never have in my life. you would've thought my mom died. something happened to me though. before the break i wasn't sure about him. i knew it felt great to be with someone who was very much unlike anyone i'd been with. then during the break, i became increasingly convinced that he was "the one." it dawned on me one day walking around the city for hours. i thought to myself, we're going to get married one day, i just know it. and i was neither happy nor sad about that, i just felt like i knew and it was a matter of fact.
fast forward 16 months later and i can't tell you if we're going to get married one day or not. that's something that i'm not focusing on right now. if you asked me what the probablity of us getting married is, i'd say there was a 84% chance (i'm a math person, so sue me) and that fluctuates on a daily basis. some days i think we complement each other perfectly. it seems that when i am having one of my bitchy mood swings, he reacts perfectly. he knows that nothing he can do or say will make me feel better and he just lets me be. and then other days i remember somethign about his past, our past, or his personality that i hate (did i mention he's a republican), and i cringe and think to myself, there must be someone else that i was meant to be with.
but anyway, like i said that's not my main focus right now. and what's funny is that the less i seem to dwell on my relationship and the more things i have going on my life apart from him, the more that he seems to fulfill the things that i used to dwell on in the beginning of our relationship.
case in point, when i moved to a studio by myself i was sad when he told me that it's too early to think about moving in together. so i dropped it and within weeks discovered how great it was to live alone.
well suddenly i look around and find that indeed he moved in without me noticing. his clothes now live on my living room floor, "my laundry" consists of his dirty clothes, "my dry cleaners" has began to only see mens' clothing from me, "my bathroom" consists of his razor, his toothbrush, his shampoo.
when did this happen?
should i be complaining or should i just be laughing about the irony of the situation


At 8/01/2005 4:06 PM, Blogger -- said...

I know my opinion has fluctuated wildly, but seeing you interact this past year has made me a big fan. You're right, he always knows just what to say to make you feel better. I think you're a perfect match.

So sad, everyone will be married and I'll be all alone.... :(

At 8/01/2005 4:10 PM, Blogger Kim said...

oh puuuhleaze. first of all marriage is over-rated.
secondly, i feel like i'm married w/out the ring =(
thirdly i'm sure the man of your dreams is right our the corner.. or right outside your bedroom door! hehe damn, too bad about the damn hawaii thing =( he's so nice! and hot!


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