Saturday, July 30, 2005

The Past

I hate it when I get all neurotic and create relationship problems for myself. Like most humans, I do that sometimes. However, in this case I'm not sure if this is my own psychosis or a real issue.

Let me explain.

My dear boyfriend and I are crazy happy. We met randomly, fell in love almost instantly and have managed to live in bliss since that fateful day. We share the same sense of humor, bizarre personality traits and make each other laugh almost constantly. I truly love who he is and he would say the same thing about me.

My dear boyfriend says that I am the love of his life and the woman that he has been waiting to meet. He wants to live with me and marry me. We talk of those things often.

We have only one problem: he has said all those things before . . . to someone else.

Before we met, I was a love cynic. I have been in a number of long term relationships and have loved many men. But, I never planned on getting married to any of them. Hell, I never even discussed that with any of them. I never thought I would get married or even that I kind of relationship that I am in now was even possible. My dear boyfriend on the other hand did plan on marrying someone else and not just in his mind. They had a venue and a wedding date. It is true that he never technically proposed to her, but the wedding date is close enough for me.

In relationships, it is true that everyone has a past. I certainly do and my past is in some ways pretty sorted. I don't want to hold him to a standard of purity I don't have myself. It doesn't bother me that he's loved other people or even lived with other people. But, I have to admit that some days when we are laying in bed on a Sat. afternoon and discussing our future, it really fucking bothers me that he *actually* planned a life with someone else. I guess it makes our conversations and plans seem less special. They are special to me. I've never thought these things or said the things I say to him to anyone else. That means something. I know it is psychotic, but sometimes we'll be sitting and I'll be overcome with the fact that he's always wanted our life, but that in his first vision, I was someone else.

I make jokes about the whole thing. I don't want to go into details, but the saga of is first "engagement" is pretty funny. Mostly, I make jokes because it makes me feel better about the whole thing. In truth, the fact that my boyfriend almost married someone else isn't funny.

Now, I know in my heart that my dear boyfriend loves me more than he thought was possible. He adores me. I also know that he was never really sure about his previous situation and says that he is completely sure he wants to be with me forever.

In this age of late marriages, divorces and endless dates it seems silly to expect that a person will ever belong to you alone. I know that rationally, so why does this bother me?

I guess because I am crazy. I also think that as time goes on, it will bother me less and less. At least, I can hope for that.


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